Ruin is the road to transformation.

It shouldn't be but in my case it is. I shouldn't have to destroy everything in my path order to learn the right way but such is life. I'm not going to trek across the rubble forever, though. I will build a new house. I am smart enough and strong enough to accept my flaws. I can love myself. I can be proud of who I am.

Words to accept and live by...

"Sometimes losing balance for love is necessary for a balanced life."

Love is a scary, scary thing. When you love someone entirely you risk getting hurt. Giving your heart away is like jumping into the ocean without a life vest. You have to trust someone to save you.
On that note: I am afraid.
I am scared to be happy too soon. I am scared to ask him to comfort me. I am scared to tell him I'm scared. I'm scared to find out maybe he's not right for me. I am scared to find out he doesn't love me. I am scared to trust him fully. I am scared to show him me. I am scared to ask him for help.
I want him to be the right guy. I feel like he is but I fear that the circumstances in my life will be too much of a burden to bear.
I have to not be afraid. But I am. I really don't want to get hurt. I am petrified I am not worth taking a risk.
I already broke everything, though. I should have been honest from the beginning. I wasn't. I was too scared and it ruined everything. Ruining it was not the way to go. I have to transform and I have to lose balance. I will have to think thoroughly before I speak and before I act. I have to ignore the fear. I have to take a leap of faith.
I really hope I don't hit the ground.

Living in a fantasy.

I let myself be disappointed. Let's face the truth.

Butthole is not sure I'm The One. He never has been. I want him to be sure. I am sure. Being the only person sure is lonely. I didn't want to be lonely so I've convinced myself that he is sure and doesn't know it yet. Butthole loves me now but he doesn't want to lose me so he won't admit he doesn't see me as "The One." I am scared to lose him so I don't accept that it's the case.

What do I do?

I want him to want to marry me. I want him to picture two rocking chairs by the fire. I want him to be sure.

He's none of those things.

What now?

Do I wait for him to change his mind? Do I believe his mind can change?

I'm scared. I want him to change his mind. I can't change it for him. He either loves me or he doesn't. He's either sure or he isn't.

Is "now" still enough for me? Is it just a delusion? Is fear still running my life?

There are always more questions than there are answers.

I can't worry about what he wants. I can't worry about how he feels. If he's sure or not, he's not confident enough to tell me either way. I can only worry about how I feel.

Do I really want to wait? Am I wasting my time?

Why do I feel like waiting? Why do I love him so much when he doesn't love me in the same way? Why can't I be OK with this? Why do I have to demand so much more?

Why can't I make up my mind on my own!?

Maybe I'm too consumed by The Thoughts That Give Me the Creeps.

I'm insecure. It makes me weak. It leaves me wondering: Do I love too much, or not enough? I want an answer.

The Fantasy: