Why am I such a biatch??

Seriously, what is wrong with me?
GirlName is this super nice guy and we had become such good friends and now... I can't stand him!!! Every stupid thing he says makes me roll my eyes, every compliment he gives me makes my skin crawl, every tired joke he tells makes me want to smack him.
I'm an a-hole.
I was trying so hard to re-create Butthole that I let anyone fill the spot. I enjoy flattery so much that I'll overlook everything that generally annoys me just to hear I'm pretty. What a loser.
At first it was fun... he seemed clever and funny and we had so much in common. We would tell jokes and watch movies and go out with people. Eventually it got really tiring. The thing is, he's not tired of me. I let him believe we were great friends and now he won't know what the hell happened.
He's just so annoying. The stupid way he thinks I want his life advice and want to have deep conversation about my insecurities. The annoying "knight-in-shining-armor" delusion in which he thinks I need or want his help. He thinks I care (or should care) that he finds certain behaviors unattractive. How he thinks he's so chivalrous for not telling me I'm fat. How he assumes I want to hear otherwise. The way I can tell he hates it when I make fun of him. His annoying self-deprecating humor which is clearly a defense mechanism parents tell their elementary school aged kids to ward off the bullies. Fkn pussy. That's all I think. Dude, to quote Abed: "I have self esteem falling out of my butt." I really don't need you to kiss my ass all day, and if you expect anything resembling flattery to come from me you're going to be waiting for a very long time. You gotta earn the flattery.
Everything he does and says makes me cringe. Man, I'm such an ass!! Why can't I just associate with nice people? Nice is not fun. I want a worthy contender who can tell me I'm fat and knows he/she won't hurt my feelings. I want someone who's man enough to make fun of me. I life people who can take a verbal beating.
He's too much of a weenie. I'm too much of a bitch.
Bleh.

Well I guess this is growing up.

Last night I watched Toy Story 3. It was so cute, and so funny. It made me nostalgic. Andy all grown up and going to college. I'm all grown up (not going to college). I still remember watching the first Toy Story back in 95. First grade, beginning of the school year, I was 5 years old. It was Gonzalo Aller's birthday party. It became the first birthday party of the school year for the next 5 years. I wanna say it was raining, which was why we were inside watching a movie instead of running around his terraza like the following years. I remember the novelty of the first animated film. A tale of friendship and loyalty.
I hate growing up. I didn't want to stop playing with my toys. I didn't want to grow hips or wear make-up. I didn't want to stop climbing trees and fighting with my brother. I miss the simpler times. I cried when Andy gave his toys away. I cried when he played with them one last time.
Childhood was such a happier time. Why would anyone ever be in a rush to leave it behind?

I had the Teenage Dream.

I had this. I had it all. I really did. Down to the part of him thinking I'm funny when I'm really not.
He's testing me. I know it and I know I deserve it. I'm gonna have to prove I deserve a second chance and I can't argue. I will spend a long time living in dread. I will spend a long time hesitating before I even tell him I love him. I will stop breathing every time he doesn't text me back.
Would I turn back time if I could? Hell yes. I would go back to early August. I would go out and buy and bike and spend those last glorious weeks of summer riding to the park with him. I would go see Dinner for Schmucks. I may have gone to California with him if the chance materialized. I would choose house parties over the club. I would choose losing sleep to talk on the phone vs. any other reason.
I can't do that. I have to go forward. I have to extricate some form of lesson from this experience.
Listen to your heart.
Be honest with yourself.
Don't be so afraid to jump.
Trust him.
Accept who you are.
Fight for what you want.
Accept the lack of control.
Live for yourself.
This is not a New Years Resolution. This is a needed life change. This is the time to grow up.

I was an idiot.

This was so, so wrong.



Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company
I can't accept that it's over...
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And I swear I'll do my best to comply
Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?



I feel i must interject here...
You're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave
So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling I love you so...
But oh, oh...

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?
Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures


I know that I have made mistakes and I swear
I'll never wrong you again
You've got allure I can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

I took too long to feel.

I seem like an emotional person. I laugh big; I cry big; I get angry big; I sympathise big. When it comes to facing those emotions I'm as cold as a fish. I don't face my feelings. I run away. I rationalize my feelings away. In August I didn't allow myself to feel heartbroken. I stayed busy. I convinced myself I was ok. I allowed myself to feel superior to him while he showed me his heartbreak. I thought it made me strong. I thought it made me better. I thought he was weak for being upset. I was running away.
I'm not in such good shape. I can't run forever. Eventually I stopped to catch my breath and then it's like my feelings got tired of running, hitched a ride on a semi and then didn't see me stop on time so they plowed into me: head-on collision.
I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to learn to feel. I hate the way I acted. I hate that it took me this long to realize it. I wish I'd stopped long enough to feel back then. I let myself get carried away with my delusions and just when I felt safe and stopped to take a breath it all caught up with me. Now it's too late. I wish it wasn't. I wish I could explain all that to him. I wish he could understand. I wish he could forgive me. I wish he could trust me. I hate that girl who lived in denial and didn't want to face the music.

He doesn't like this song... but it's how I feel. I wonder if he doesn't like it because of the hypocrisy I know he sees. Butthole doesn't screw up. He thinks when it's important and he feels when it's important. He knows what to do. He's not messed up. He always knows what's right to do.
I wish I could turn back time and take a step in a different direction. I wish I could change all the events that lead to today. Nothing has been worth not being with him. I can't think of a single event in the past months worth keeping. I would take it all back.
I know he still loves me. I wish he didn't know better than me. I wish he'd allow himself to feel without thinking. I've learned. I really have. I wish he'd allow me to prove that. I wish he'd test me. I know I'd pass. I'm ready to give him my all. My all is better than it used to be.

I know he hasn't grown out of the feeling. He can't have. We are "missing each other too much to have had to let go." I see it, I do. I see my mistake. I see the way I convinced myself that I HAD to do what I did. I know I miss him too much to have been right.
I can't fault him for using his head even if it hurts me. It's what I did. I used my head instead of my heart. Who am I to demand otherwise?
I can only hope. I can only hope he'll spare me one more chance. I can feel now.

I lied.

There are lyrics to describe this.

I said these words nearly three years ago about someone else. What a slap in the face. These words are for me. Sitting next to a picture of us they have been staring at me in the face for years.

"You can fool some people sometimes, but you cannot fool all the people all the time." -Bob Marley.

The people who think I'm smart. The people who think I'm happy. The people who believe I know it all. Those people I can fool. Not him. He always knew. He was patient and he never threw it in my face. It wasn't his mission to fix me so he remained quiet while I avoided the truth. I mistook his silence for acquiescence. His silence only meant love. What an arrogant prick I am.
He was never fooled. I was. I am those people who can be tricked.
I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

Sometimes even music can't speak.

It's numbness and regret. For years I've fought off regret with the philosophy that things happen for a reason. The milk spills for some ulterior cosmic motive. This didn't happen for any necessary reason. I turned the cup over. I purposely filled a squirt gun with milk and spewed it everywhere ruining everything it touched. Everything smells of sour, spoiled milk. There's nothing left to do but replace everything in the room.
How do I not regret what I consciously made happen? How can I say it had to happen when I knew all along it didn't have to? Why did I have to use my head? It's been 21 years, how did I forget that I'm not smart? I use my head at the wrong times and I ruin everything.
I regret that day and everyday there on after. I hate that his life continued and he changed. He learned new things without me. He had fun without me. I wasn't a part of the good times. He didn't call me with the good news. I couldn't call him with the bad ones. He moved on. He was done with me by the time I called. Why did it take so long for my feelings to creep up and take over? Why did my brain go into overdrive? My defense mechanisms ruin everything. The rose colored glasses fell off my face and I stepped on them with my new high heels.
Why am I so afraid to feel? I put off feeling and I still ended up in pain. I could have avoided all of this if I had just turned my brain off for a minute and let my heart guide me. Now I expect him to do what I should have done back in August. I want him to forget that I hurt him and to remember that he loves me. I want him to take the risks I wasn't brave enough to take. I expect him to trust me after I turned my back on him for my own selfish reasoning.
I've always been too demanding of everyone but myself. I have low expectations of myself. I don't think I'm good enough to give more than I give. I'm not strong enough to risk my heart. I'm not brave enough to put myself at another's mercy. And still I expect to be loved unconditionally and without question.
He once said "I just met you, how can you expect me to trust you 100%?" Man, he had me pegged from the beginning. Why couldn't I see that? Why didn't I trust him 100%? If I had had faith in him then maybe he'd been trusting of me, just like if I hadn't fucked up this time he'd still be willing to love me.
I think I'm so smart the way I figure people out. The way I understand others. Why can't I understand myself? Why am I so transparent to him when I look like a solid brick wall to myself? I should have trusted him to love me even when he could see all of me. Instead, I told him he was wrong, I told myself he was wrong, and I pretended not to see what he saw so clearly. There's a reason he's the future doctor.
I've said that before, haven't I? There I go again. There I always go. Knowing what's right and ignoring it completely. Hell, I even named this blog after my biggest flaw. I reflect and throw away. How ironic. If only I was smart. I am smart- that's why I can see the flaws, but I'm an idiot because I don't fix them. I'm a coward because I don't want to. Changing myself is admitting defeat. Admitting that I'm less than perfect. Where do I get off lacking so much humility? Who the hell do I think I am? What ever gave me this insane sense of grandeur? Where did this arrogance come from?
Am I so damaged by my past to justify these walls? Admitting that I'm not perfect puts the blame on me. If I'm never wrong then nothing is ever my fault. I need to learn to take responsibility. I need to learn to deal with the consequences.
It had to come to this. I'm not at a point where I can deserve something this good. "You can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself." I feel like I knew this before. I said I couldn't get married until I knew how to stand on my own. It's deeper than that for me. I can't have something great until I learn how to not screw it up. I can't be loved entirely until I know how to love fearlessly. I can't be caught until I learn to not be afraid of hitting the ground.
I wish all this made me feel better. Maybe this did have to happen. Maybe my subconscious (not the conscious part of my brain because that part of my brain is a moron) made me screw up this big to teach me all of this. I wish that made the ache go away. I wish I could have learned all this before I let go of the man who saw all these faults.
He saw all this, I know he did, yet he loved me. He was patient, and he was kind. He was willing to tell me the truth and hold my hand until I was brave enough to face it. He doesn't want to hold my hand anymore. He can't take it anymore. I'm no longer worth his patience. This was my favorite part about him and I abused it until it wore out. I loved that he wasn't willing to put up with my shit. I'm like a 3 year old... I had to keep pushing it. 3 years olds are smarter than me. They learn boundaries and limits before they break them. Maybe that's why I don't like kids. One more group of people who are smarter than me.
So I will regret and hopefully learn. This pain will probably stay with me forever. I don't think he's going to forgive me. I think he's done teaching me lessons. I will have to live forever knowing that I ruined the one thing that was good for me. I will always know I lost the love of someone who truly knew me, and truly loved me flaws and all. He saw me. He saw all of me. He saw through me and saw me from every angle. Still he loved me. And it wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough to accept it. I wasn't brave enough to deserve it.
Love is only pain when you, yourself, don't know how to love. If I don't know how to love then I will never be loved. Not again.
I want to learn. I want to be loved. I don't want to keep screwing up.

It's over.

Anything that ever mattered is done. He's done. With me. It hurts. I'm in pain. I can't breath. It feels like someone is standing on my chest. It feels like someone just took a bat to my head. It feels like my shoes are too small and my necklace too tight. It feels like my heart is trying to escape through my throat so it doesn't have to be a part of my body anymore. I can't stop shaking. My eyes hurt from holding back tears. I could be struck by lightning and ripped limb from limb and it wouldn't feel like anything. Nothing can compare to this pain.
How will this feeling ever go away. I don't want it gone. I want to feel pain. I want this agony to remain with me forever. As long as I feel pain it will mean I love him. A life without loving him is not a life worth living.
How could I do this? What was I thinking? How could I think that I could live my life without him? If you love him set him free and if it's meant to be he'll come back. What a bunch of shit. I never needed to set him free to know he belonged with me. Now I released him and he's gone forever. Why did I doubt his love. Why did I doubt our strength. Why was I so afraid. Why couldn't I be brave. Why am I so afraid to be hurt. Why do I end up causing myself so much pain. Why couldn't I trust him. I hate me. I hate everything about me. I hate everything I am and how worthless I feel.
I hate that I let go the only thing that ever made me feel alive. He was the only thing that made me feel there was a reason for me to get up every day. How could I? Why do I reject love? Why can't I be smart and make good decisions?
I hate new Julia. She's a worthless piece of shit. She's empty and shallow and unimpressive. She's small and useless and uninspiring. She doesn't want to be seen. She wants to fill the emptiness with more worthlessness. She wants to seem happy and lively. She's a liar. She's pathetic and a coward. She's stupid and reckless and unaware.
I tried to fill an emptiness that I caused. I ruined my life. Pain is all I deserve.
I used to think I deserved better. How wrong was I. I knew there had to be a reason why my life sucked so much. This is why. Because I'm a fuck up and I fucked up and I hurt the most important person. It was karma backwards. My whole life has been punishment for what I would do wrong. I see that now. I need to feel this. I need to hurt.

I can't watch a sunset on my own.

"Merry Happy" by Kate Nash.

Watching me like you never watch no one
Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum
Cause I know that you did
Cause your friend told me that you liked it

Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did
'Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt form you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

Merry Happy is such a good break up song. It's all about growth and acceptance. It's about moving on knowing you'll be the better because of it. Can we really grow from heartbreak? Sure, if the heartbreak stems from the shock of change. If the pain comes from truly having your heart torn apart, and from truly having a part of you stripped away it's a different story. It's easy to move on when the person isn't right for you. What if the person wasn't wrong, though? What if the person was perfect for you? How will you learn to watch the sunset on your own if you were always meant to watch it with someone else? Growing flowers where dirt was is easy. How do you grow flowers in a field already abloom with lilies? I don't feel like I can be alone. He would never try to tell me that he never loved me. I guess the difference is that we did want to stick around.

I don't know what I want. I don't know if I can talk to him and ask him back into my life. I don't know if he would still want me.
I know I can't remember the last time I felt happy. I'm tired, and lonely, and I feel sad all of the time. I constantly have a weight on my chest. My stomach is always in knots. I can't find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I can't find the motivation to do anything but lay around all day. Nothing feels right.
Is it the winter blues? Has time caught up with me now that I have it? Am I feeling what I didn't have time to feel back in August? Will this pass? Will things get worse before they get better? Will I learn how to be alone? Is this a sign of weakness? Am I not strong enough to stand alone? How do I know what my feelings mean? Who can help me figure it out?
I only have questions. I can't find the answers.

Screw you, 2010.

I had entered this year with hope. I was hopeful that things would be better and that I'd end the year a better, happier person. Fuck this year.
I got fired for the first time- from the job I actually enjoyed.
I got out of shape while working 2 jobs for no reason.
I broke up with the greatest guy in the world after spending an entire summer missing him.
My little brother had to move in with me because my mother officially went off the deep end.
My nephews went back to Argentina.
And now... grandpa died.
Anything else 2010? Am I gonna get diagnosed with terminal cancer next week? Is my apartment going to catch on fire? Is my dog going to run away? WHAT? WHAT ELSE? Tell me now because I can't take it anymore. I can't keep hoping things start looking up.
The only thing I can hope for is to survive... and I don't see why.

Perdon que no te llame. Perdon que no escribi. Perdoname si crees que te olvide. Perdon que fui tan egoista. Te extrañe y te voy a extrañar todavia. El otro dia hice pure de papas y estaba riquisimo. El tullo sigue siendo mejor. Te llevo conmigo.

I can't even enjoy the sunrise...

This morning when I left home from work the sky looked beautiful. The fluffiest, patchiest clouds littered the morning sky. Those kinds of clouds that with the morning light look blue instead of white. They blended perfectly with that light blue of the early hours of the day. All I could think of was him. "The" him. The Butthole "him." It took me back to a long, long time ago.
It was early-mid December 2008. I had stayed at his house, and in the morning he took me to work. I even remember the sound I made when the alarm went off. His room was pitch black and I had a head cold. I remember how warm his body felt. I recall the way he sleepily got out of bed and put on a sweater. The way he waited for me to get ready at home. I still remember the sky that morning. I still remember the way I felt. We were outside taking Spazzpup out (how romantic) and it was freezing. It was an odd cold. The sky was bright fuchsia and the clouds neon orange. We could see our breath but we weren't shivering. I remember he was wearing basket ball shorts. I remember how I loved him. How I wanted to stay rooted that very spot and enjoy the sunrise with him.
I remember lots of moments like that.
It's been 4 months and it feels like years... After 4 months I should feel more secure in my decision, not doubtful. I miss him. I miss everything about him.
Everything still reminds me of him. I can't enjoy much without thinking of him. Chuck Norris facts aren't funny unless he's the one texting them to me. No one seems to know that grapes are the fruit of hope... or what long pointies are. No one knows what it's like to miss it by that much. No one's made fun of my "Christmas sweaters." Dulce de leche is mine again. I'm no one's Sugar Plum Fairy.
I can still remember his smell. His voice... I miss the sweet things he used to say to me. The way his eyes would light up when he'd see me after a long time. How he'd hug me when he came home on Fridays. I miss the way I could hear him run up the stairs to see me. The annoying way he'd hover around me in the kitchen and hug me tightly when I told him to go away. I miss walking Spazzpup with him while he bitched he was cold because he was still wearing sandals in the winter.
Do I have the strength to call him? Can I swallow my pride and disregard my belief that when people break up it's forever? Should I call him? Does he still miss me?
It always felt like true love. I was so sure it was. I still feel sure it was. I'm still sure I'll never love like that again. How can anyone know for sure? Did we just end at the wrong time? Were we always going to be together? What would have happened if I just waited another year? Would the lost time absolutely change everything? Did I ruin my only shot at finding the right guy?
One thing is for sure... the sunrise isn't the same.