Living in a fantasy.

I let myself be disappointed. Let's face the truth.

Butthole is not sure I'm The One. He never has been. I want him to be sure. I am sure. Being the only person sure is lonely. I didn't want to be lonely so I've convinced myself that he is sure and doesn't know it yet. Butthole loves me now but he doesn't want to lose me so he won't admit he doesn't see me as "The One." I am scared to lose him so I don't accept that it's the case.

What do I do?

I want him to want to marry me. I want him to picture two rocking chairs by the fire. I want him to be sure.

He's none of those things.

What now?

Do I wait for him to change his mind? Do I believe his mind can change?

I'm scared. I want him to change his mind. I can't change it for him. He either loves me or he doesn't. He's either sure or he isn't.

Is "now" still enough for me? Is it just a delusion? Is fear still running my life?

There are always more questions than there are answers.

I can't worry about what he wants. I can't worry about how he feels. If he's sure or not, he's not confident enough to tell me either way. I can only worry about how I feel.

Do I really want to wait? Am I wasting my time?

Why do I feel like waiting? Why do I love him so much when he doesn't love me in the same way? Why can't I be OK with this? Why do I have to demand so much more?

Why can't I make up my mind on my own!?

Maybe I'm too consumed by The Thoughts That Give Me the Creeps.

I'm insecure. It makes me weak. It leaves me wondering: Do I love too much, or not enough? I want an answer.

The Fantasy: