Feeling springy.

YAAAAA LLEGO LA PRIMAVERAAAAAAAAAAA!

Oh. Wait. It's fall. My, my, aren't we getting ahead of ourselves? Maybe it's because my mind is all twisted. A part of my feels like I'm already living on Argentina time already. Then again... I also really, really love fall. This morning was chilly and it. was. awesome. Maybe that's why I'm in such a good mood.
Even though I have 5 huge pimples on my face. Even though the scale said I gained 2 pounds this morning. Even though I just had to pony up $100 for the electric bill (Wtf, I'm supposed to be saving money!) I'm feeling fantastic! I can do anything.
4 months. 4 months. 4 months. Yaaaayyyy!

The sounds of childhood/life.

Maria Elena Walsh.
Dad laughing like Gargamel while he put us to sleep with the same old stories about the Smurfs "Oooodio esos pituuuufos"
Fireworks at Christmas time.
Laughter at the dinner table. Every night.
The train or subte on the days I got to go to work with dad.
Mom talking to Little Bro in English.
The ring of the timbre in between class and recess, recess and class.
The songs from Chiquititas "Chufa chufa CHA!"
The crackle of the fire during winter.

That's what my childhood sounded like. They were beautiful sounds. It's hard to distinguish between the sounds of living in Buenos Aires, and the sounds of my infancy. Maybe they are the same. How much living did I do, though, in 12 years of childhood? Have I ever lived in Buenos Aires? I haven't, have I?
In 6 months time I intend to hear new sounds. The sounds of childhood will be sounds of living. Some may be the same sounds... but they won't be quite the same.

Listen to your heart.

I am a painfully logical person. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I make the right choices all the time. To be frank, I make mistakes more often than anyone I know. I over think things and overwhelm myself. I don't go with what feels right but with what makes sense in a completely impartial way. I don't worry about how things make me feel. I strictly base my actions on what looks good on paper. Don't you know it... that way of living has caused me more grief than happiness.
Now, I'm letting my heart make the decision. November makes my head happy. It feels more real. It's soon, therefore it's less overwhelming (because I don't have to wait, which my brain hates.) February is far away, and it feels like a fantasy. I lose another summer. I don't get a firework-laden Christmas. I have to work my crappy job for another 6 months. For some reason, though, my heart doesn't seem to know this. In my heart, the later date feels good. It gives me the comfort of time and order. I can do things more slowly. I can plan things better. I get to make a list and check things off.
November was all wrong. I didn't plan for it. It wasn't a "me" sort of decision.
My head thinks November is better, and it keeps trying to argue, but the warmth in my heart talks louder, and makes my mind's arguments more feeble by the second.
It still sucks. Both options have their cons. It seems like the cons of waiting are far too superficial to really matter, though.
6 months and counting. Things will be ok.

Speaking of tears...

I got stung by a bee this morning for the first time ever. It wasn't like one those "OMG POPPED MY BEE STING CHERRY <3" Nah, man, nah... It was more of "OHMYFREAKINGGOSHWHAT THEFRICKWASTHAT" and then I removed the stinger and death stomped that bee in the face!
Anyway... it's funny because just 3 months ago I woke up one morning, got ready for work and stepped outside to take Spazzpup to the bathroom. As I stood there groggily basking in the morning sun I heard a soft buzz. I looked up at the tree/bush/plant with flowers in front of me and saw it moving, even though there was no breeze. Looking closely I realized that at 7:30AM there they were: bees, dutifully working away with a sense of purpose. At that moment, I felt envious. I thought: I wish my life had purpose. That was the week of the decision.
Last night there were tears. The stress hit me. The realization that this move is going to cost a lot of money: Money I don't have. I freaked. I cried. I thought, "How am I going to do this?" Should I wait? Is November not plausible? Cue massive panic attack and a string of incoherent curse words.
Then this morning as I walked Spazzpup I let the fear wash over me as my mind reeled. I made a mental list of everything I need. I made a mental list of all I want. I thought of how I could make it happen by November. Then I got stung.
I stopped. I got the stinger out. I called my mom to see what I should do. Once I got that taken care of, I wondered: Is this a sign? Is this the universe telling me something?
That bee had a purpose but in a moment of irrational thought it stung me and died. If I leave in November, am I losing my stinger? Am I getting ahead of myself?
Then there's the other side: Am I making excuses? Am I letting fear lead my life again?
There's such a long list of pro's and con's on both sides. I need to make a decision.
What the hell are you saying, Universe???

Happiness is just a teardrop away.

Oh but if I had a fairy godmother, life would be oh so simple...
As usual, though, life is far from simple. It's the opposite of simple, really. So many tough choices, so many life changing decisions, so many chances for failure. Figuring things out took me a multitude of tears. It seems silly to measure my life by the number of tears I've cried but it's a great method of measurement when you're me.
I cry so, so, much. Butthole says when I feel an emotion I really get my moneys worth. I've cried so many times in working out my life. I can think of so many defining moments in my life in the past 10 years that ended up in tears. I have cried tears of sadness, fear, frustration, anger, shock, disillusion, despair, happiness and who knows how many more emotions... probably all of them.
This time, though, I think the tears will lead me somewhere. This choice I've made, this change I've decided upon, it has already made me cry. It took me many puffy-eyed mornings to get here, but here I am (and crying, of course.) There will be more crying before this is all over. I will be crying at the very end, I'm sure. But then... a wide-open door awaits, and through it: Happiness.
And as I measure my life in salty water spilling from my eyes I know with certainty that I will kiss good bye this life with tears of sadness and I will begin my new one with more tears. I will cross my fingers that they're tears of joy.
Still... I wouldn't turn down a fairy godmother.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

Normally, when Jewfriend posts "inspirational" quotes on Stalkbook I laugh in my head, roll my eyes, and scroll down. Today... today her quote makes me smile. It does take courage to become who I want to be. It may not be an exact reflection of what's going on my life, but it talks about courage. Courage is something I have finally found. Oh it feels good to have finally found (maybe grown!) the pair that I needed. It feels good to feel in control and in charge. Even if right now everything is more out of control than ever- I feel GOOD! The madness is my doing! What's going on in my life is finally a direct effect of my own decisions and it's great!
I'm coming home, everybody, so be ready.

So angry.

My family. They make me want to scream. I'm leaving in 6 months, though, and it's almost not worth the hassle... almost...
Phatty: SERIOUSLY?????? You took the night off to spend with ME? For MY birthday? And boo wah I didn't come out with YOU? Weird. Because I recall saying that I wasn't feeling well and that's why I wasn't going out. Not that I'm an asshole who doesn't care that you took the night off. I invited you to come spend time with me. You and me. ALONE. Chit-chat, treats, a movie, sister time. And what was your asnwer? "Oh, I want to go out with my friend" FUCK YOU. Fuck you so many times over.
You're the asshole. Shove your guilt trip up your ass. You're a bitch.