Will the grass be greener?

I need to make a decision for my life. I miss home but I'm scared that it's my dissatisfaction here making me crave something more.
I keep hoping someone else will make the decision for me. Someone being Butthole, as usual. The thing is: he chooses his life over me. That's fine. It hurts but I understand. Frankly, I wouldn't choose me either. I can't even figure out what to do with my life, who would want to take that on? What does that mean for me? Or for us?
Am I not ready to make a commitment? I love Butthole so much. So much. But I can't do that to him. I can't ask him to make the sacrifice to direct the course of MY life. I can't ask him to take a risk for me. I am the one who needs to man up and take charge. I am the one who controls my destiny. I need to go home. I need to live my life. Maybe in 10 years... Maybe he'll miss me. Maybe he'll want me... Maybe I'll be worth being wanted. Right now... I gotta do something, don't I?

A Wall.

I can see the space. I can feel the distance. I can touch the gap. Things will never be what they were. I want to believe he wants to forgive me but isn't ready. I'm not sure he wants to. I'm not sure he can at all. I think I broke us beyond repair. He can't say the words. I don't know if he feels them... probably not. The words feel dirty in my mouth. I can feel them in my heart, but when I want to say them it doesn't feel right. It feels like I don't deserve to say them. I don't know if he wants to hear them. He doesn't trust me. I can't forgive myself. I probably never will. I ruined the one shot at happiness. Sometime this summer... there's an expiration date. Everything that once was will be a memory. Everything that could have been will be a dream. Everything I did wrong will haunt me forever.

Ruin is the road to transformation.

It shouldn't be but in my case it is. I shouldn't have to destroy everything in my path order to learn the right way but such is life. I'm not going to trek across the rubble forever, though. I will build a new house. I am smart enough and strong enough to accept my flaws. I can love myself. I can be proud of who I am.

Words to accept and live by...

"Sometimes losing balance for love is necessary for a balanced life."

Love is a scary, scary thing. When you love someone entirely you risk getting hurt. Giving your heart away is like jumping into the ocean without a life vest. You have to trust someone to save you.
On that note: I am afraid.
I am scared to be happy too soon. I am scared to ask him to comfort me. I am scared to tell him I'm scared. I'm scared to find out maybe he's not right for me. I am scared to find out he doesn't love me. I am scared to trust him fully. I am scared to show him me. I am scared to ask him for help.
I want him to be the right guy. I feel like he is but I fear that the circumstances in my life will be too much of a burden to bear.
I have to not be afraid. But I am. I really don't want to get hurt. I am petrified I am not worth taking a risk.
I already broke everything, though. I should have been honest from the beginning. I wasn't. I was too scared and it ruined everything. Ruining it was not the way to go. I have to transform and I have to lose balance. I will have to think thoroughly before I speak and before I act. I have to ignore the fear. I have to take a leap of faith.
I really hope I don't hit the ground.

Living in a fantasy.

I let myself be disappointed. Let's face the truth.

Butthole is not sure I'm The One. He never has been. I want him to be sure. I am sure. Being the only person sure is lonely. I didn't want to be lonely so I've convinced myself that he is sure and doesn't know it yet. Butthole loves me now but he doesn't want to lose me so he won't admit he doesn't see me as "The One." I am scared to lose him so I don't accept that it's the case.

What do I do?

I want him to want to marry me. I want him to picture two rocking chairs by the fire. I want him to be sure.

He's none of those things.

What now?

Do I wait for him to change his mind? Do I believe his mind can change?

I'm scared. I want him to change his mind. I can't change it for him. He either loves me or he doesn't. He's either sure or he isn't.

Is "now" still enough for me? Is it just a delusion? Is fear still running my life?

There are always more questions than there are answers.

I can't worry about what he wants. I can't worry about how he feels. If he's sure or not, he's not confident enough to tell me either way. I can only worry about how I feel.

Do I really want to wait? Am I wasting my time?

Why do I feel like waiting? Why do I love him so much when he doesn't love me in the same way? Why can't I be OK with this? Why do I have to demand so much more?

Why can't I make up my mind on my own!?

Maybe I'm too consumed by The Thoughts That Give Me the Creeps.

I'm insecure. It makes me weak. It leaves me wondering: Do I love too much, or not enough? I want an answer.

The Fantasy:

Why am I such a biatch??

Seriously, what is wrong with me?
GirlName is this super nice guy and we had become such good friends and now... I can't stand him!!! Every stupid thing he says makes me roll my eyes, every compliment he gives me makes my skin crawl, every tired joke he tells makes me want to smack him.
I'm an a-hole.
I was trying so hard to re-create Butthole that I let anyone fill the spot. I enjoy flattery so much that I'll overlook everything that generally annoys me just to hear I'm pretty. What a loser.
At first it was fun... he seemed clever and funny and we had so much in common. We would tell jokes and watch movies and go out with people. Eventually it got really tiring. The thing is, he's not tired of me. I let him believe we were great friends and now he won't know what the hell happened.
He's just so annoying. The stupid way he thinks I want his life advice and want to have deep conversation about my insecurities. The annoying "knight-in-shining-armor" delusion in which he thinks I need or want his help. He thinks I care (or should care) that he finds certain behaviors unattractive. How he thinks he's so chivalrous for not telling me I'm fat. How he assumes I want to hear otherwise. The way I can tell he hates it when I make fun of him. His annoying self-deprecating humor which is clearly a defense mechanism parents tell their elementary school aged kids to ward off the bullies. Fkn pussy. That's all I think. Dude, to quote Abed: "I have self esteem falling out of my butt." I really don't need you to kiss my ass all day, and if you expect anything resembling flattery to come from me you're going to be waiting for a very long time. You gotta earn the flattery.
Everything he does and says makes me cringe. Man, I'm such an ass!! Why can't I just associate with nice people? Nice is not fun. I want a worthy contender who can tell me I'm fat and knows he/she won't hurt my feelings. I want someone who's man enough to make fun of me. I life people who can take a verbal beating.
He's too much of a weenie. I'm too much of a bitch.
Bleh.

Well I guess this is growing up.

Last night I watched Toy Story 3. It was so cute, and so funny. It made me nostalgic. Andy all grown up and going to college. I'm all grown up (not going to college). I still remember watching the first Toy Story back in 95. First grade, beginning of the school year, I was 5 years old. It was Gonzalo Aller's birthday party. It became the first birthday party of the school year for the next 5 years. I wanna say it was raining, which was why we were inside watching a movie instead of running around his terraza like the following years. I remember the novelty of the first animated film. A tale of friendship and loyalty.
I hate growing up. I didn't want to stop playing with my toys. I didn't want to grow hips or wear make-up. I didn't want to stop climbing trees and fighting with my brother. I miss the simpler times. I cried when Andy gave his toys away. I cried when he played with them one last time.
Childhood was such a happier time. Why would anyone ever be in a rush to leave it behind?

I had the Teenage Dream.

I had this. I had it all. I really did. Down to the part of him thinking I'm funny when I'm really not.
He's testing me. I know it and I know I deserve it. I'm gonna have to prove I deserve a second chance and I can't argue. I will spend a long time living in dread. I will spend a long time hesitating before I even tell him I love him. I will stop breathing every time he doesn't text me back.
Would I turn back time if I could? Hell yes. I would go back to early August. I would go out and buy and bike and spend those last glorious weeks of summer riding to the park with him. I would go see Dinner for Schmucks. I may have gone to California with him if the chance materialized. I would choose house parties over the club. I would choose losing sleep to talk on the phone vs. any other reason.
I can't do that. I have to go forward. I have to extricate some form of lesson from this experience.
Listen to your heart.
Be honest with yourself.
Don't be so afraid to jump.
Trust him.
Accept who you are.
Fight for what you want.
Accept the lack of control.
Live for yourself.
This is not a New Years Resolution. This is a needed life change. This is the time to grow up.