Ruin is the road to transformation.

It shouldn't be but in my case it is. I shouldn't have to destroy everything in my path order to learn the right way but such is life. I'm not going to trek across the rubble forever, though. I will build a new house. I am smart enough and strong enough to accept my flaws. I can love myself. I can be proud of who I am.

Words to accept and live by...

"Sometimes losing balance for love is necessary for a balanced life."

Love is a scary, scary thing. When you love someone entirely you risk getting hurt. Giving your heart away is like jumping into the ocean without a life vest. You have to trust someone to save you.
On that note: I am afraid.
I am scared to be happy too soon. I am scared to ask him to comfort me. I am scared to tell him I'm scared. I'm scared to find out maybe he's not right for me. I am scared to find out he doesn't love me. I am scared to trust him fully. I am scared to show him me. I am scared to ask him for help.
I want him to be the right guy. I feel like he is but I fear that the circumstances in my life will be too much of a burden to bear.
I have to not be afraid. But I am. I really don't want to get hurt. I am petrified I am not worth taking a risk.
I already broke everything, though. I should have been honest from the beginning. I wasn't. I was too scared and it ruined everything. Ruining it was not the way to go. I have to transform and I have to lose balance. I will have to think thoroughly before I speak and before I act. I have to ignore the fear. I have to take a leap of faith.
I really hope I don't hit the ground.

Living in a fantasy.

I let myself be disappointed. Let's face the truth.

Butthole is not sure I'm The One. He never has been. I want him to be sure. I am sure. Being the only person sure is lonely. I didn't want to be lonely so I've convinced myself that he is sure and doesn't know it yet. Butthole loves me now but he doesn't want to lose me so he won't admit he doesn't see me as "The One." I am scared to lose him so I don't accept that it's the case.

What do I do?

I want him to want to marry me. I want him to picture two rocking chairs by the fire. I want him to be sure.

He's none of those things.

What now?

Do I wait for him to change his mind? Do I believe his mind can change?

I'm scared. I want him to change his mind. I can't change it for him. He either loves me or he doesn't. He's either sure or he isn't.

Is "now" still enough for me? Is it just a delusion? Is fear still running my life?

There are always more questions than there are answers.

I can't worry about what he wants. I can't worry about how he feels. If he's sure or not, he's not confident enough to tell me either way. I can only worry about how I feel.

Do I really want to wait? Am I wasting my time?

Why do I feel like waiting? Why do I love him so much when he doesn't love me in the same way? Why can't I be OK with this? Why do I have to demand so much more?

Why can't I make up my mind on my own!?

Maybe I'm too consumed by The Thoughts That Give Me the Creeps.

I'm insecure. It makes me weak. It leaves me wondering: Do I love too much, or not enough? I want an answer.

The Fantasy:

Why am I such a biatch??

Seriously, what is wrong with me?
GirlName is this super nice guy and we had become such good friends and now... I can't stand him!!! Every stupid thing he says makes me roll my eyes, every compliment he gives me makes my skin crawl, every tired joke he tells makes me want to smack him.
I'm an a-hole.
I was trying so hard to re-create Butthole that I let anyone fill the spot. I enjoy flattery so much that I'll overlook everything that generally annoys me just to hear I'm pretty. What a loser.
At first it was fun... he seemed clever and funny and we had so much in common. We would tell jokes and watch movies and go out with people. Eventually it got really tiring. The thing is, he's not tired of me. I let him believe we were great friends and now he won't know what the hell happened.
He's just so annoying. The stupid way he thinks I want his life advice and want to have deep conversation about my insecurities. The annoying "knight-in-shining-armor" delusion in which he thinks I need or want his help. He thinks I care (or should care) that he finds certain behaviors unattractive. How he thinks he's so chivalrous for not telling me I'm fat. How he assumes I want to hear otherwise. The way I can tell he hates it when I make fun of him. His annoying self-deprecating humor which is clearly a defense mechanism parents tell their elementary school aged kids to ward off the bullies. Fkn pussy. That's all I think. Dude, to quote Abed: "I have self esteem falling out of my butt." I really don't need you to kiss my ass all day, and if you expect anything resembling flattery to come from me you're going to be waiting for a very long time. You gotta earn the flattery.
Everything he does and says makes me cringe. Man, I'm such an ass!! Why can't I just associate with nice people? Nice is not fun. I want a worthy contender who can tell me I'm fat and knows he/she won't hurt my feelings. I want someone who's man enough to make fun of me. I life people who can take a verbal beating.
He's too much of a weenie. I'm too much of a bitch.
Bleh.

Well I guess this is growing up.

Last night I watched Toy Story 3. It was so cute, and so funny. It made me nostalgic. Andy all grown up and going to college. I'm all grown up (not going to college). I still remember watching the first Toy Story back in 95. First grade, beginning of the school year, I was 5 years old. It was Gonzalo Aller's birthday party. It became the first birthday party of the school year for the next 5 years. I wanna say it was raining, which was why we were inside watching a movie instead of running around his terraza like the following years. I remember the novelty of the first animated film. A tale of friendship and loyalty.
I hate growing up. I didn't want to stop playing with my toys. I didn't want to grow hips or wear make-up. I didn't want to stop climbing trees and fighting with my brother. I miss the simpler times. I cried when Andy gave his toys away. I cried when he played with them one last time.
Childhood was such a happier time. Why would anyone ever be in a rush to leave it behind?

I had the Teenage Dream.

I had this. I had it all. I really did. Down to the part of him thinking I'm funny when I'm really not.
He's testing me. I know it and I know I deserve it. I'm gonna have to prove I deserve a second chance and I can't argue. I will spend a long time living in dread. I will spend a long time hesitating before I even tell him I love him. I will stop breathing every time he doesn't text me back.
Would I turn back time if I could? Hell yes. I would go back to early August. I would go out and buy and bike and spend those last glorious weeks of summer riding to the park with him. I would go see Dinner for Schmucks. I may have gone to California with him if the chance materialized. I would choose house parties over the club. I would choose losing sleep to talk on the phone vs. any other reason.
I can't do that. I have to go forward. I have to extricate some form of lesson from this experience.
Listen to your heart.
Be honest with yourself.
Don't be so afraid to jump.
Trust him.
Accept who you are.
Fight for what you want.
Accept the lack of control.
Live for yourself.
This is not a New Years Resolution. This is a needed life change. This is the time to grow up.

I was an idiot.

This was so, so wrong.



Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company
I can't accept that it's over...
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And I swear I'll do my best to comply
Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?



I feel i must interject here...
You're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave
So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling I love you so...
But oh, oh...

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?
Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures


I know that I have made mistakes and I swear
I'll never wrong you again
You've got allure I can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

I took too long to feel.

I seem like an emotional person. I laugh big; I cry big; I get angry big; I sympathise big. When it comes to facing those emotions I'm as cold as a fish. I don't face my feelings. I run away. I rationalize my feelings away. In August I didn't allow myself to feel heartbroken. I stayed busy. I convinced myself I was ok. I allowed myself to feel superior to him while he showed me his heartbreak. I thought it made me strong. I thought it made me better. I thought he was weak for being upset. I was running away.
I'm not in such good shape. I can't run forever. Eventually I stopped to catch my breath and then it's like my feelings got tired of running, hitched a ride on a semi and then didn't see me stop on time so they plowed into me: head-on collision.
I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to learn to feel. I hate the way I acted. I hate that it took me this long to realize it. I wish I'd stopped long enough to feel back then. I let myself get carried away with my delusions and just when I felt safe and stopped to take a breath it all caught up with me. Now it's too late. I wish it wasn't. I wish I could explain all that to him. I wish he could understand. I wish he could forgive me. I wish he could trust me. I hate that girl who lived in denial and didn't want to face the music.

He doesn't like this song... but it's how I feel. I wonder if he doesn't like it because of the hypocrisy I know he sees. Butthole doesn't screw up. He thinks when it's important and he feels when it's important. He knows what to do. He's not messed up. He always knows what's right to do.
I wish I could turn back time and take a step in a different direction. I wish I could change all the events that lead to today. Nothing has been worth not being with him. I can't think of a single event in the past months worth keeping. I would take it all back.
I know he still loves me. I wish he didn't know better than me. I wish he'd allow himself to feel without thinking. I've learned. I really have. I wish he'd allow me to prove that. I wish he'd test me. I know I'd pass. I'm ready to give him my all. My all is better than it used to be.

I know he hasn't grown out of the feeling. He can't have. We are "missing each other too much to have had to let go." I see it, I do. I see my mistake. I see the way I convinced myself that I HAD to do what I did. I know I miss him too much to have been right.
I can't fault him for using his head even if it hurts me. It's what I did. I used my head instead of my heart. Who am I to demand otherwise?
I can only hope. I can only hope he'll spare me one more chance. I can feel now.