I took too long to feel.

I seem like an emotional person. I laugh big; I cry big; I get angry big; I sympathise big. When it comes to facing those emotions I'm as cold as a fish. I don't face my feelings. I run away. I rationalize my feelings away. In August I didn't allow myself to feel heartbroken. I stayed busy. I convinced myself I was ok. I allowed myself to feel superior to him while he showed me his heartbreak. I thought it made me strong. I thought it made me better. I thought he was weak for being upset. I was running away.
I'm not in such good shape. I can't run forever. Eventually I stopped to catch my breath and then it's like my feelings got tired of running, hitched a ride on a semi and then didn't see me stop on time so they plowed into me: head-on collision.
I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to learn to feel. I hate the way I acted. I hate that it took me this long to realize it. I wish I'd stopped long enough to feel back then. I let myself get carried away with my delusions and just when I felt safe and stopped to take a breath it all caught up with me. Now it's too late. I wish it wasn't. I wish I could explain all that to him. I wish he could understand. I wish he could forgive me. I wish he could trust me. I hate that girl who lived in denial and didn't want to face the music.

He doesn't like this song... but it's how I feel. I wonder if he doesn't like it because of the hypocrisy I know he sees. Butthole doesn't screw up. He thinks when it's important and he feels when it's important. He knows what to do. He's not messed up. He always knows what's right to do.
I wish I could turn back time and take a step in a different direction. I wish I could change all the events that lead to today. Nothing has been worth not being with him. I can't think of a single event in the past months worth keeping. I would take it all back.
I know he still loves me. I wish he didn't know better than me. I wish he'd allow himself to feel without thinking. I've learned. I really have. I wish he'd allow me to prove that. I wish he'd test me. I know I'd pass. I'm ready to give him my all. My all is better than it used to be.

I know he hasn't grown out of the feeling. He can't have. We are "missing each other too much to have had to let go." I see it, I do. I see my mistake. I see the way I convinced myself that I HAD to do what I did. I know I miss him too much to have been right.
I can't fault him for using his head even if it hurts me. It's what I did. I used my head instead of my heart. Who am I to demand otherwise?
I can only hope. I can only hope he'll spare me one more chance. I can feel now.