No future.

I like to plan things. I like to know what the future holds. I don't like surprises. I want to be 100 years old already just so that I already know what my life was. I don't know what the future holds. The way things are going the course of my life is more and more uncertain every day. I don't know what's going to become of me even next week. Yet, for once, I feel at peace.
Things aren't perfect. In fact, on a scale from crap to perfect things are constantly leaning closer to the crap side. I'm ok with that. Old pessimistic me has been replaced... sort of. Things haven't changed, but regardless... they are looking up. I'm not sure if there has been a shift in the chemical balance in my brain or what but I find that I'm much more focused on the positive in my life than the bad. I attribute this change to Butthole, of course.
I still worry, I still daydream, I still try to imagine what my future might look like but there is one aspect in my life in which no matter how hard I look I don't see anything. That aspect is my relationship with Butthole. It's not as if I believe we have no future. I don't know where we are headed and I am ok with that. It seems a little insane for me but it's true. For once there is one thing in my life where the present is good enough for me to not try to run away to the future. I am happy now. I don't see a future because I don't need to. The present is just that good. I am not imagining how things might be different or better. I don't want things to be different, things CAN'T possibly get better.
I feel so peaceful. I still worry about my own personal future. I worry about the outside factors. When it comes down to him and me, and only him and me, though, everything falls right into place. My world is perfectly balanced and harmonious.
It's strange for micromanager me to be so content with the way things are. It's strange to want to let things be but it's also good. I think it's a huge step for me. I'm going to use this as a building block in my project to become the better person I want to be. If I can be so focused on all the positive in this respect then I can do it for everything else.
I will try hard to let go of the future along with the past. I will revel in the present and think of ways of making this moment the best right now.

Bring on the cheese.

Today I feel blah. I feel saddened by the mediocrity that surrounds me. Everything is getting on my last nerve. BitchBoss and Obnoxious took it upon themselves to close Dr's car door and locked his keys inside it. I find myself being so irritated by that, mind your own business, won't you!?
I feel annoyed at the stupid ass phone call she made me place to our next patient to let him know we *MIGHT* be running late and to "hang tight" til we called him. The patient gave me the most patronizing laugh which I could totally relate to. If I were him I'd have told me not to bother calling anymore and I'd take my business elsewhere. How ridiculous. Of course now we are running AHEAD and I'm supposed to call him again and tell him to head down because "the doctor's ready now" ...The patient is not answering and I'm waiting for the doctor to come around and ask where the patient is to then get irritated that HE has to wait.
Let's not mention the idiot patient who made the cute joke about Obama getting his bill. Ugh. Guess what,old fart? YOU ARE NOT FUNNY. I am not even in a mood to pretend to think he's funny so I just smiled and looked away. I SO hope you picked up on my irritation. Asshole. OH! And "colon" is spelled with an "O" not and "A." How the hell did you beat cancer not even knowing how to spell the name of the body part you had it on!?
If I have to hear Obnoxious' annoying baby voice one more time I might actually loose it. If she tells me "Thank you" in toddler-speak ("Shank you!") one more time there's a good chance I'll punch her. Cripes! If, as a patient, someone talked to me with a patronizing tone I'd walk the eff out so quickly she'd be left standing with that idiot-smile plastered on her face and her toddler-sized brain falling out of her ears. Ugh. AND QUIT SAYING "WE WAS," YOU STUPID HICK! "WE" is PLURAL, DAMN IT! Thus followed by "were" "We WERE so scared" not "We WAS so moronic," though moronic you WERE which you proved by your lack of comprehension of the English language.
BitchBoss: You, having a complicated name and last name, should better than anyone understand how obnoxious mispronunciations are. For the love of all on this earth quit acting like you don't know how to pronounce names, especially when you so freely mock those who can't get your name right. Oh, and you really need to quit letting me know you are waiting for people to call you back. Seriously, what the hell is the point? Oh, you're waiting for J to call you back? Guess what!? I would have figured it out when J called- go figure.
Dr- NO, YOU STUPID MORONIC IDIOT! I am not with my boyfriend because of the money he'll make when he's a doctor! Just because you were a total dweeb in high school and decided becoming a dentist was the only way you'd get laid doesn't mean the rest of the guys choosing a successful career path are doing it for the same reasons. No, asshole, I am not waiting til he graduates med school to marry him! I am waiting til I'm not some 20 year old living in a shitty apartment and working at a dead-end job surrounded by imbeciles! Jerk. You can be so offensive it's hardly conceivable.
Bleh... blah... UGH. What a day. I hope to get it out of my system by the time Butthole gets into town tonight.

Do I drive him wild?

I'm guessing Butthole is off to Alexandria so I won't be hearing from him til he gets back. That's so swell. Not only because I, in general, hate not hearing from him but because last night was definitely not left on a good note. I've been turning our last conversation over in my mind since he logged off and I still don't know what to make of it. I don't know where his accusations came from. I don't understand what's going on in his head. I do know this:
After much thinking and considering and trying to figure out what I did wrong I've decided that I'm not wrong. I did nothing wrong. I have nothing for which to apologise. HE is wrong (for a change). He's going to have to present himself with a very good argument for me to think otherwise. I also know that I can't imagine not doing whatever it takes for us to get through whatever it is that he thinks is going on.
For a moment this morning it really hit me that he might dump me if we don't work through this "problem." The problem is his inability to let go of my past. I am at a loss for how to conduct myself in this issue. In the past I told him I'd be completely open and tell him whatever information he wanted if it helped him work things out. It's been a year and a half, though. I can't keep discussing the past. The past is no longer pertinent to our relationship. With that the ball is in his court (woo! Sports metaphor!). It is up to him to decide if this is a hill to die on. THAT TERRIFIES ME.
This morning I realized how badly it would hurt if he broke up with me. I was thinking about seeing him this weekend and the chance that he won't greet me as warmly as I thought he would yesterday before 11:30AM. Now I really don't know what's going to happen.
I've been listening to the song "Smile" by Uncle Kracker non-stop since yesterday and I keep thinking of him. The song captures that lost-in-my-thoughts, projectile-vomit, trip-over-my-feet, smile-to-myself, scream-out-loud way I feel about him. I'm starting to wonder if it's healthy. In truth it's only healthy if he feels the same way. I wonder...

You're better than the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler than the flip-side of my pillow (that's right)
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me
Let's me know that it's okay (yea, it's okay)
And the moments when my good times start to fade

You make me smile like a sun, Fall outta bed
Sing like a bird, Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like fool, Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

Even when you don't
Somehow you come along just like a flower pokin through the sidewalk crack
And just like that
You steal away the rain
And just like that

Don't know how I lived without you
'Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like fool, Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Oh, you make me smile
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh you make me smille
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh you make me smille

Leave the past behind you.

I have made mistakes in my life. We all have. I used to be the person who would dwell on every little detail and make myself crazy over things I couldn't change. I've worked very hard to learn to let go of things. My mantra became "Hair grows" as in "This, too, shall pass." It has helped me so much. It's still hard to not dwell on events but I've learned to accept them and move on.
Somehow the past manages to creep up on me and won't let me move on. The past comes in the form of Butthole. I had far too recently broken up with Ex when Butthole and I started talking and later dating. Because of the freshness of the wounds (for lack of a better term, things were certainly not this dramatic) Butthole knows far too much about my previous relationship. Because Butthole knew Ex he asked a lot of questions. A lot of these questions I was in no shape to answer because things were still so fresh in my mind and all the emotions were so ripe that I truly didn't know some answers. There were a lot of things I hadn't come to terms with so answers that I may have given then might not be the same now. This doesn't make me a liar, contrary to what Butthole may believe.
In past year and a half (+) I've had time to think and re-evaluate and learn from the past. With that in mind it is true that I am now able to accept things which I may have been ashamed of in the past.
I am ok with all of this. I am at peace with the past. Butthole, however, is not. Why should it matter to him? After all, it is MY past. Unfortunately in my rampant state of confusion I divulged far too much to Butthole giving him the idea that he is entitled to answers about my past relationship. Let it be said that though I may have made mistakes with Ex those mistakes in no way relate or translate to my relationship with Butthole.
Currently the problem is with T-Bitch. It's true that T-Bitch and I kissed after Ex and I broke up. It is true that T-Bitch was the first guy that while I was dating Ex I found attractive. To clarify: When things were all fine and happy with Ex all other guys were neutral to me. At the end when I was ready to get out one of the reasons I knew things were over was because I thought to myself "If only I was single..." No, I am not proud of that. No, I shouldn't have stayed with Ex after I thought that, after all, you shouldn't be lusting after anyone but your significant other. While I'm not proud I've let that mishap go. They were just thoughts and feelings: I didn't act on them and Ex and I obviously broke up.
Butthole claims I denied having any sort of feelings for T-Bitch while I was dating Ex. Realistically speaking that is neither here nor there because it's been nearly 2 years and what did or didn't happen while Ex and I were together isn't his business unless it includes some venereal disease. While I don't recall the conversation and Butthole was unable to relay it to me since he chose to have this conversation on IM while he's an ocean away I'll still say that it's possible I denied it at the time. After all, who really wants to admit that they were lusting after someone while dating someone else, and especially to their current boyfriend? Seeing that I am now at peace with the past I now said that yes, I indeed WAS attracted to T-Bitch AT THE TIME, what's the big deal? Apparently it makes me a big fat liar.
I don't know what to do anymore. Back in October during my break down of the year I texted T-Bitch asking him to come find me. The reason is because the attraction feelings for T-Bitch are now long, LONG, gone and he's my friend. In my intoxicated state I felt that as a good friend he would be a good person to talk to about my relationship woes and cry to him in a drunken rage. That is it. All I wanted to do was to talk to him. I wanted to talk to Jewlove too, but she wasn't there.
It would appear that since given occasion Butthole has been harboring suspicions of more dubious intentions on my part. His words were "Were you looking for him to make out with him?" HA! As if. I actually thought he was joking at first but Alas! He was not. He was dead damn serious. What am I supposed to make of that?
He won't have any other explanation since after all, I am such a liar because I once said I had never lusted after T-Bitch.
What am I supposed to do? How can I keep reassuring him? He refuses to let go of my past. He refuses to believe a word I say. Why on earth is he with me if he distrusts me so? At the beginning I knew I had made my bed and must lie in it when problems cropped up due to my mistakes, but now? 18 months later? I could even deal with the ridiculous accusation if he wasn't bringing up my past "history" but this?
He obviously cannot understand that my relationship with Ex cannot be compared to the one I have with him. Ex treated me like crap and by the end I was so miserable I hardly would recognize myself now. How can he compare that to our relationship now? To me, the sun rises and sets on him but somehow he thinks I'm turning to the first guy that cross my path at the first time turmoil. I am in this for real. I am willing to do what it takes. How can I prove this to him? Why should I have to prove it any further? Will he ever change? Is this how this is always going to be?
I can't live like this and we certainly cannot have a relationship like this. I am done explaining myself for what happened before he came along. How am I supposed to undo telling him everything I told him? Can he move on?
I sure hope so... What can kind of relationship lasts if there is no trust...?

I suppose I ought to end the year on a blog!

It's December 31st, 2009. It is the end of the year. To quote the narrator of (500) Days of Summer:

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life."

This applies to whole years sometimes. I feel like this year was mostly unremarkable in my life. I had no great accomplishments nor made any huge improvements.
Butthole and I made it the whole year nearly bruise-less.I managed to keep my New Year's Resolution for the most part.I managed to let things go more often.I didn't gain another 10 lbs. I accepted that I don't have a lot of good friends and I probably never will.That's about it, really. I think that's pretty depressing and for that I'm happy to see 2009 go. I'm hoping 2010 brings more change.
For now I am planning to embrace the New Year with a new haircut, turquoise nail polish, Jewlove for a companion, and a new scene minus the most important person: Butthole. I miss him but I'm proud to say I've made it this far and haven't a. lost my mind or b. gotten fat. So woo-hoo! Point: Me.
As for my haircut, I have bangs again. Side-swept bangs...

I might cut them again so that they look like this:

That decision is yet to be made. Ideally I'll decide by tonight. I think my face might be too fat :P
Such is my life that at the end of the year all I can talk about is my hair. I'm still not sure what to make of that but for fear of ruining my night I will not think about it (to one more time keep my 2009 resolution).
As for 2010, I intend to continue on my self-improvement and add a goal to be more frugal and have more savings by the end of the year. I'm aiming for less tears and temper tantrums and more laughter and good humor at the face of ill situations. Cheers!

I was really lucky! I was!

I got to talk to Butthole! He called on Thursday night at around 1:30 AM...cursed time difference. I didn't care though, I was just happy to talk to him. Not so happy when he woke me up the second time at 8AM (hey! I get cranky when I'm tired). I got to talk to him on Christmas day too, and very briefly on Saturday. I'm not sure when I'll hear from him again but at least I've survived the past 2 weeks.
It's looking like I'll be spending NYE with Jewlove at Pickles house and possibly at Toolbag's place. Toolbag is not somebody I'd want to see but he's Jewlove's "friend" so we might have to stop by. Whatever, I guess... a party is a party.
Speaking of party guess what I did Saturday night? Oh yes. Overindulgence can be fun when not over done. I hadn't seen Pickles in like two years and she's just as funny as always. I met some new people and saw some people I hadn't seen in forever, it was fun. Plus considering the last places I've partied at (not including close friends) it was very refreshing to not be surrounded by complete idiots/pricks/tools/sluts. It seems like most of the guys that were there are usually good friends with girls so they weren't a bunch of creeps who made inappropriate comments. It was fun making friends with people who don't want to hit on you. :)
Besides that my bowling skills continue to be abysmal and I managed to make it through Christmas without putting on weight. Good times...

Upon hearing from Butthole.

I have yet to mention that I heard from Butthole! Indeed among the sea of excrement that the past few days has been I got an e-mail from him. The first one came Saturday night saying he hadn't been able to write because he'd been in Dubai. Gosh, he never tells me anything!
Anyway, sounds like he's having fun. He's been trying to get a game of beer pong going out there but apparently Egypt doesn't have hefty cups.
I really miss him and I can't wait to hear from him again. Maybe for Christmas if I'm really lucky.