No future.

I like to plan things. I like to know what the future holds. I don't like surprises. I want to be 100 years old already just so that I already know what my life was. I don't know what the future holds. The way things are going the course of my life is more and more uncertain every day. I don't know what's going to become of me even next week. Yet, for once, I feel at peace.
Things aren't perfect. In fact, on a scale from crap to perfect things are constantly leaning closer to the crap side. I'm ok with that. Old pessimistic me has been replaced... sort of. Things haven't changed, but regardless... they are looking up. I'm not sure if there has been a shift in the chemical balance in my brain or what but I find that I'm much more focused on the positive in my life than the bad. I attribute this change to Butthole, of course.
I still worry, I still daydream, I still try to imagine what my future might look like but there is one aspect in my life in which no matter how hard I look I don't see anything. That aspect is my relationship with Butthole. It's not as if I believe we have no future. I don't know where we are headed and I am ok with that. It seems a little insane for me but it's true. For once there is one thing in my life where the present is good enough for me to not try to run away to the future. I am happy now. I don't see a future because I don't need to. The present is just that good. I am not imagining how things might be different or better. I don't want things to be different, things CAN'T possibly get better.
I feel so peaceful. I still worry about my own personal future. I worry about the outside factors. When it comes down to him and me, and only him and me, though, everything falls right into place. My world is perfectly balanced and harmonious.
It's strange for micromanager me to be so content with the way things are. It's strange to want to let things be but it's also good. I think it's a huge step for me. I'm going to use this as a building block in my project to become the better person I want to be. If I can be so focused on all the positive in this respect then I can do it for everything else.
I will try hard to let go of the future along with the past. I will revel in the present and think of ways of making this moment the best right now.