...all girls feel too big sometimes regardless of their size

Sometimes I can be so stereotypical it's painful. In reality I think we all fulfil some stereotype. And all stereotypes have some truth to them. Nonetheless, it's embarrassing when I realize I'm a girl who's mood can be easily dictated by a mirror and a scale.
For the most part I am fairly satisfied with the way I look. Heck, there are some days when I can actually look in the mirror and go "Hey sexy, you sure look fiiiiiiiiiine in them jeans. I'd hit it." Then there's those days when nothing fits right and no matter what angle I look from everything is the wrong size. I wonder if it's hormones that distort the way we see ourselves from day to day. The guys I talk to say that it doesn't happen to them and that's why I normally chuck it up to hormones (guys don't have periods, right?).
I definitely know it happens to girls even if they all more readily admit to their "fat days" (hello? validation! "giiiirllll you craaaazzyyy... you are sooooo skinny") rather than those days when they'd do anything to hump their own leg. Of course it's due to the fear of being perceived as conceited. After all, in this society, heaven forbid a girl doesn't hate herself.
Lately though... (as in the past effing 3 weeks) I have gained some weight. About, oh, 7 lbs. I have been working really hard to get myself to look the way I know I can. I was doing really good, too! I had lost about 20lbs since last summer and the last time I went shopping I actually squeezed my butt into a size 7 again (it's been a while). And the thing is, I don't do it for anyone but myself.
There's only one person besides me who's opinion regarding my appearance matters. Butthole loves the way I look. On a clear minded day I know it and believe it when he tells me he thinks I look good. But his opinion doesn't sway mine. Which is why it's so tough when I'm having a "fat day." I think he has the power to change it, but I refuse to fish for compliments. He usually gives them out pretty indiscriminately but it seems like lately either a. I need to hear them more or b. It's true that things are bound to fizzle after a year and he really isn't as moved by my wearing a cute out fit. Either way I don't find myself to be as attractive as I used to be to him. Last summer I made him a burrito and he didn't take his eyes of me. As I rolled the tortilla I put it down and said "See? Beautiful!" And without skipping a beat he grabbed me and said "No, you are beautiful" and he kissed me. Yes, yes, it's very cheesy. I loved it, though. I love the way he used to look at me when he'd come over in the morning and I'd still be in my pajamas with last night's make-up still smeared under my eyes. He'd get this funny look like "I can't believe how good you look" and it made me really happy. That doesn't seem to happen anymore.
Fake compliments aren't nice. They aren't flattering and they dont' do anything for me. That's why I don't fish for them. There have times when I've broken and I've point-blank asked him to tell me I'm pretty but it's not the same. So I'm sort of stuck dealing with my insecurity all on my own. It's not like it's anyone's job besides me anyway. I know I need to just get over it but it sure would be nice if I could explain to him how important his opinion is. He's a guy, though, and I understand. To him this doesn't make sense.
I don't talk to him about my weight loss/gain. He doesn't pay attention. Heck, he still thought I weighed the same as last summer because I never told him I'd lost weight. I don't like to discuss it (weight loss) with people at all because I don't care for the "but you don't need to lose weight!" comments. I'm not doing it for that. I'm doing it for me.
Altering the way I look is all about the way I view myself. Until 3 weeks ago I was fairly pleased. I haven't been to the gym in the past 3 weeks and it's starting to show. I think that has something to do with it, too. There has been a change in my routine and I feel weird. It really throws me off. I'm not myself when I'm not doing things as planned. I guess that's the important part I need to focus on. Having Butthole give me compliments would be quick fix. It's duct tape on your tennis shoes because you're too cheap (or too broke) to buy new ones. This is MY problem and I need to get a grip on it myself. I can't expect a third party to patt me on the head and tell me it's not my fault.
Gag... that means doing work... possibly failing. Damn it.
That was some sweet reflection on paper... let's see if I can stop myself from crumpling it up and leaving it in the trash.