Rock and roll, red meat, eggs, Eminem, swine flu, lettuce, flip-flops?

What the hell can't kill you these days?

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32453516?GT1=43001/from/ET

I, for one, am not worried. My mother's bitching never stopped me from walking around barefoot as a kid. Growing up, my dad's comments about how tacky flip-flops were didn't impact the massive collection I possess today. I have yet to start growing extra toes or have odd purple oozing wounds. Sure, I've stepped on a shard of glass or two, but that stuff's just bound to happen when you're me.
We are seriously looking for a reason to be afraid on a day-to-day basis. Not to sound like one of those nuts with the tin-foil hats but I've gotta wonder if maybe this is the government's idea of distracting us from all the crap that's going on. Ok. No, I don't really believe that but come on! Scientists are wasting time and money on this type of research?
Did anyone actually need some microbiologist to tell them that their shoes track all kinds of bacteria and crap(in this case, literally)? Oh no! It's bacteria that can cause diaper rash/yeast infection/impotence/anal leakage/blindness! I'm going to throw all of my flip-flops out and I'm going to buy that foot sanitizer in addition to my hand sanitizer. They look the same, though I bet they are completely different.Ok... only the first two symptoms were true. And I'll be really horrified if they actually start marketing foot sanitizer. Actually...that may not be a bad idea... after all people buy helmets for their toddlers... Hmmm.. Purell: Call me!
Anyway... here' s a complex solution for your baby's diaper rash:
When you get home DON'T rub your poopy flip-flops all over your hands. DO wash your hands before changing your baby's diaper. Actually, you should always wash your hands before wiping your baby's butt. For that matter, you should always wash your hands when you get home whether you've been rummaging through a bin of dirty flip-flops or not. The world is one nasty place: I'll give microbiologists that much.
I know now you're wondering: but what about my yeast infections?
Remember that bit about not rubbing your hands all over your poopy flip-flops? Ok, well you really shouldn't do that to begin with. However if you do (and yes, I do understand how tempting it can be), just wash your hands before getting down and dirty with your significant other (or yourself, hey! I don't judge).
Steven: Damn Chuck, I have yet another yeast infection.
Chuck: Hey Steven, here's an idea: Don't rub your hands all over your flip-flops next time you watch that Blond Babes, Big Boobs and Beyond DVD you got for Christmas from your nana. That should take care of those recurring yeast infections.
The more you know.
Now just kick back and relax as the itching subsides over time and your baby stops screaming while you watch Sexy Sextuplets and Sleazy Sluts.