Last night in a nutshell

NUTSHELL

From here on out there will no longer be any partying at Questionably-Straight friend's house. I just can't do it. I tried: I did. It just doesn't work out. I don't care how nice they are I just can't get along with those people.

Murse Man: Dude! What is in that bag? It IS a machine gun, isn't it? You're gonna blow this places to pieces, aren't you? I also have some suspicion that it's, in fact, empty and you just brought it along to seem interesting. Fun fact: it didn't work and people have been making fun of you all night for it. Also, how cute that you'd boast about being pre-med after you claim smoking won't blacken your lungs because cancer is solely genetic. For the love of all that is holy I beg you: do not procreate. In addition: Look up the word "patronize". You are in urgent need of a medical text book and a dictionary. You are a walking joke. Oh and you suck at pong.
Brown-Pride douche: Quit threatening Murse Man for making Mexican jokes. You were just happily telling racist jokes yourself while calling white people crackers. You don't get to be selectively racist, you jackass! And if you don't want to hear Mexican jokes then quit working the fact that you are Mexican into every damn conversation.
Level-headed DD: Thank you very much for the ride and for being the only other sober person. It's always fun to watch your friends act like clowns. I like you even if you have questionable taste in movies. :P
Bad-Religion guy: First of all let me say your choices of music mostly suck. Second: You are my favorite person at this house but I'd like to inform you that in order for you to be truly open minded as you claim to be you can't end an argument by saying "You're not going to change my mind." Sweetie, darling, dearest, (insert another condescending term of endearment), if you are not open to someone changing your mind then you are indeed NOT open minded. Open minded people are OPEN to change. Change of mind as well as change of heart. But that, in itself, is subject for a whole different post.
iPhone lover: Do work! You kicked some ass at pong and I'm glad I was there to witness it. Let me add that you have wiggled your way into #2 for my favorite drunks of all time. Butthole will always be number one but holy cr.
Skater kid: Didn't we go to high school together? Indeed we did. And as much as you have atrophied your brain with MJ you are one hilarious muthereffer. I am sad to say that I still lost all respect for you when you said you were planning on driving home. I hope you didn't kill anyone.
Questionably-Straight friend: Dude! Where were you last night? I hardly saw you. How is it that you and OnAndOffCrazy seem so normal when you are with us but manage to break up and get back together more often than I can count (literally)?
OnAndOffCrazy: For the record, I don't actually think you are crazy. I've heard some questionable stories though. In reality I like you you are very sweet. I'm sorry I wasn't feeling pong last night. Frankly I wasn't feeling the party at all. I'd also like to remind you that after getting our asses handed to us by Butthole and iPhone lover your boob somehow managed to make THEIR last cup. WTF? Fine! I'll dance with you next time!

In retrospect even if it was a god awful night it made for some funny ass stories so maybe it IS worth going back.