Let's hear it for the boys...

... and my gut-wrenching fear of marriage. Actually, I'm afraid of divorce but since you can't get divorced if you don't get married first I guess it's safe to say I'm afraid to get married.

It doesn't matter much because marriage isn't in my near future. By near future I mean the next decade or so. Sure, it would be great to say I'd like to be married by the time I'm 26, but that's not realistic. I can't possibly know if I'll be ready by then or if I'll have found the the right guy to spend the rest of my life with.Yes, I believe marriage is a life-long commitment. You are committing to make it through the bad times and never give up. And rest assured, there WILL be tough times. You see, to me, marriage is a partnership. Once you get married your opinion alone stops mattering. It's all about "we" and "us." Both parties are still individuals who respect each other, but I think that valuing the other person's ideals in the end benefits the unit and that's why the picture is bigger than just "me." Just because YOU want to give up because it's too hard for YOU doesn't mean you get to just walk away. WE promised to make it work for US. I made that promise to you, and you to me.

No one taught me any particular values in marriage. My parents did divorce when I was 13 so maybe that shifted something in me. I don't know that I'd say marriage is sacred but it definitely shouldn't' be something you walk into during a drunken night in Vegas. The bullshit against gay marriage making a mockery of such a sacred institution makes me sick when people like Britney Spears have how many 15 hour "marriages."

Because I value marriage so much is that I'm afraid of it. I'd be terrified to be with a guy who doesn't value our marriage enough to take my feelings into consideration. Sure, I'm not immune to a certain liking of the traditional gender roles but it's NOT 1950 anymore. I would have no problem cooking dinner every night, but I would not stand to be told the kitchen is my place. I'd want to be with someone who didn't need to be asked to do the dishes after I made him dinner. He should do that because he is appreciative and because he knows we both have to make everything work together. He would understand that I don't cook dinner because it's my job: I do it out of the joy of providing for my family and in turn he'd want to do the same. He should also be self sufficient so that if one night I couldn't cook he wouldn't starve for the evening.

Therein lie my demands...a few of many anyway. I can't help but think about it even if I'm not planning on marrying anyone tomorrow. I hear far too many stories of a "useless man who thinks his duties stop at taking out the trash and mowing the lawn." I see too many house holds where if the woman is sick for one day the house is a disaster because she's not up and about cleaning up after everybody. I've heard crazy stories: "I went away for the weekend and he left the dishes pile up for me to clean when I came back." "He woke me up when I was battling pneumonia so I could make him a snack." "He demands I do his laundry on time but won't sort his clothes in the right hampers." Not to mention all the stories when there's kids involved, but I won't get into that because if marriage is a gut wrenching fear then procreation leaves me crippled and dry-heaving.

I know not all men are like that. I've heard all kinds of great counter-stories: The guy who gets up extra early to warm up the car on a cold day before his wife goes to work. The guy who has the laundry all taken care of when she's stressed even though they normally divvy it up. The woman who never has to get gas because her husband makes sure he tank is always full. The guy who cooks because she hates to do it herself. The guy who lets her take the extra blanket when the heater goes out.

I get it! I know it! SOME guys are assholes. Others are absolutely exceptional. Either way, whether you marry an asshole or you marry the best man ever there will be hardship.

I'm afraid I won't find a great guy or that the guy I think is great shows his "true side" after I get married. I've heard so many times that "all guys are the same" that I get scared. I'm afraid it's actually true. I, being a pessimist, focus on the bad stories and fear them rather than hope for the good ones. I avoid the risk completely. It's just that when I do that I also risk missing out on something great.

It could also be that I'm afraid I won't find a great guy because I'm not worthy of one. Maybe I'm afraid that when things get tough I won't deserve to be fought for. I obviously have some self-esteem issues to work out.

It takes two to tango, but sometimes it takes one person to walk away from a marriage. What if I marry the guy who wants to walk away?
In my parents' case I know my mom was tough to live with, so in some way I understand his desire to leave. I understand the desire, not the action. Even though I think my dad could have worked harder to make things work I know he didn't want to. I know it because his mid-life crisis was more important than his own children. Even if my mom had been the perfect wife he would have found a reason to leave. I mean, you are supposed to live for you kids, if not your spouse, and he couldn't do that so I have no doubt that there was nothing my mom could have done to make him stay. My dad forgot about his promise.

I know their case is different, but it seems so many times one person "tires" of the other's behavior. Hello? They are the same person you married! Either you knew about whatever quirk is bothering you before you said "I do" or some thing's changed and there's some digging to do before you throw in the towel.

Another reason I'm so scared is because of how demanding I am. I think my fear itself has made me raise my expectations and maybe I won't find someone simply because no one is perfect nor will they ever fulfil our every ideal.

Right now I'm not ready. I am young and I'm not ready to make the commitment. I have a lot of kinks to work out with myself before I can focus on someone else's. I just hope the day comes when I am ready and I find someone who will encourage me to leave my fear behind. I'd hate to miss out on something wonderful because I'm too afraid of becoming another number on an ever-increasing statistic.