Independence, codependence? With music and a super cheesy ending. :)

I should not be left alone with my thoughts. I need to be busy, busy, busy. Now I know why: If I don't have something to keep me occupied I think. Like I already said: I'm a pessimist.

Let me tell you: Negative + Thoughts = Over thinking manic depressive.

I haven't been as busy this summer because my job is slow, Butthole was gone most of the time, my friends all have jobs and Phatty moved to the other side of town. Also, my mom has suddenly acquired a life and I don't seem to see as much of her as I used to. This has left me with much free time and since I still haven't gotten cable I've had time to dwell on every stupid little thing.

So what exactly is this bitchfest about?
Many things. It's not exactly a bitchfest, though, just some reflective thinking. Let's backtrack:
It's gonna be a year since Butthole and I have been together. Dear oh my how I love him. I don't even feel bad or embarrassed saying it. Why should I feel bad, anyway? Because I pride myself in my independence. I used to think being fully in love meant not being wholly yourself. I thought relying on someone else made you weak.

I never wanted to be this girl. I never thought I could be this girl:



Why would I want to be the kind of girl who hopes to be caught when I could be just be there to catch myself? The longer Butthole and I were together I found myself needing him more and more, and when things slowed down this summer I realized how damn scary that was. I've been picking stupid fights and we've argued about some really dumb things. I couldn't figure out why we were fighting so much. I started to wonder if maybe things were just ending. That couldn't be, though, because the thought of not being with him knocked the wind out of me.

Still, with all this free time I found myself over thinking things. Maybe he doesn't love me as much as I love him. Why doesn't his life revolve around me? How come he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful like he used to? Am I becoming codependent? In short, why did I feel like this song applied to me?



Oh good God! I love Kate Nash (Actually, Butthole introduced me to her music, gotta love our shared love of hippie indie music. Yeah, we're perfect together) but come on! How needy is this song? It's sweet and stuff, but it's the kind of song I should sing along to but not feel identified with.

The question is: Have things really finally fizzled after a year, or am I becoming more needy? I think it's me. Maybe our hormones are leveling out a bit, but we are both still crazy about each other so it's not like he's not into me.
I'm an insecure over thinker whereas he's totally chill and doesn't worry about stuff like "OMG, am I getting fat? Has he noticed? Does he still think I'm cute? Why isn't he here yet? He doesn't care, does he?" Yeah, welcome to my head. I think all this time to come up with these questions has turned me into a needy twat. I don't want to be that girl.

Here's the funny thing: I was having all of these thoughts last night (I got off work early) and when he came over they were all gone. Just like that. No question in my mind that we are perfect together. All I could think about was how much I love him.

The insecurities still creep when he's there, sure. At one point while discussing an episode of Scrubs he said we were really good together. Great! Right? It made me so happy to know he thinks about us as a couple (and a good couple at that) but I had to push it: Really? Why do you think we are great? His answer: Well look at all the other couples we know. They are all a mess.
Here's the over thinking bit: The only thing that makes us great in his eyes is a process of elimination. We don't suck so we must be great.
I know this isn't true! But he's a guy! Oh and, unlike me, HE isn't INSANE! So I know better than to take that thought as something more than the first thing that popped into his head to answer my idiotic question. The difference is when he's there I can roll my eyes at myself.

I guess the thought that he doesn't think about these things makes it worse. Like he has the upper hand because he knows I'm crazy about him so there's nothing to worry about. Maybe he isn't insecure because he knows I live and breath for him. That's not right, is it?

On to another song and another thought.
You see, he introduced me to this bad ass Internet Radio thing called Pandora (http://www.pandora.com/) when I was whining about all the crappy music I'm forced to listen to while at work on the radio. On Pandora I found this really bad ass chick Fiona Apple (noticing a pattern on my taste in music?) and this really bad ass song of hers:



I remember a time when I would have found myself in this song. I loved to think of myself as an independent chick who didn't need anyone to worry about her. As much I love the song it's just not me anymore, but for some reason I'm not 100% bothered by it. Sure, it's a little sad to lose yourself, but what if the person you are is better?
But what if you are better because you are with someone who brings out the best in you? That means I'm no longer self-reliant. I'm no longer strong on my own. I've had my "aha!" moment.

How could I not be insecure when everything I am relies on Butthole's validation? It's so scary to think that if one day he leaves me then all the good about me leaves too. That's not how it works, though, is it? He isn't why I'm good. He's the one that in spite of all the bad can see the potential.

That's why I'm not horrified to not feel like a strong person on my own. He sees me like that. He doesn't make me that way; he's just a reminder that I am capable of being like that. I have been so lucky that Butthole doesn't hold it over my head. He doesn't hold it over my head because he'd never think he has anything over me. Because he knows how much I love him but he knows I existed before him. He knows I don't need him but I still choose to rely on him. He's not some cocky asshole who thinks my world revolves around him. I may think it does, but he knows better. He is definitely smarter than me. That's why he's the future doctor. ;)

Codependence, apparently, is an actual emotional disorder or psychological disease: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependence
Yes, I know, the all-knowing Wikipedia. Screw you, this isn't a research paper.

I am not codependent: I am in a relationship. Butthole doesn't treat me like crap and feed off of my insecurities. That's the difference.
Relying on someone else isn't bad as long as you don't forget that one day before he came along you knew how to stand on your own. He knows this about the both of us. Frankly, I like knowing I can rely on him. After all, being in a relationship really isn't about being two separate people. Here comes the cheese: It's about two people who can become one stronger item while recognizing each person has amazing qualities on their own. It's about loving each other for those great qualities and not just staying together because you know the other person's insecurities will keep them anchored to you for fear of drowning on their own.

Prepare for cheese overload:
So even though I'd never thought I'd be the type to fall just so you can catch me there's no need to wish I was your favorite girl because you already think I'm an extraordinary machine.
Where words fail, music speaks. -Hans Christian Andersen