It's over.

Anything that ever mattered is done. He's done. With me. It hurts. I'm in pain. I can't breath. It feels like someone is standing on my chest. It feels like someone just took a bat to my head. It feels like my shoes are too small and my necklace too tight. It feels like my heart is trying to escape through my throat so it doesn't have to be a part of my body anymore. I can't stop shaking. My eyes hurt from holding back tears. I could be struck by lightning and ripped limb from limb and it wouldn't feel like anything. Nothing can compare to this pain.
How will this feeling ever go away. I don't want it gone. I want to feel pain. I want this agony to remain with me forever. As long as I feel pain it will mean I love him. A life without loving him is not a life worth living.
How could I do this? What was I thinking? How could I think that I could live my life without him? If you love him set him free and if it's meant to be he'll come back. What a bunch of shit. I never needed to set him free to know he belonged with me. Now I released him and he's gone forever. Why did I doubt his love. Why did I doubt our strength. Why was I so afraid. Why couldn't I be brave. Why am I so afraid to be hurt. Why do I end up causing myself so much pain. Why couldn't I trust him. I hate me. I hate everything about me. I hate everything I am and how worthless I feel.
I hate that I let go the only thing that ever made me feel alive. He was the only thing that made me feel there was a reason for me to get up every day. How could I? Why do I reject love? Why can't I be smart and make good decisions?
I hate new Julia. She's a worthless piece of shit. She's empty and shallow and unimpressive. She's small and useless and uninspiring. She doesn't want to be seen. She wants to fill the emptiness with more worthlessness. She wants to seem happy and lively. She's a liar. She's pathetic and a coward. She's stupid and reckless and unaware.
I tried to fill an emptiness that I caused. I ruined my life. Pain is all I deserve.
I used to think I deserved better. How wrong was I. I knew there had to be a reason why my life sucked so much. This is why. Because I'm a fuck up and I fucked up and I hurt the most important person. It was karma backwards. My whole life has been punishment for what I would do wrong. I see that now. I need to feel this. I need to hurt.