I can't watch a sunset on my own.

"Merry Happy" by Kate Nash.

Watching me like you never watch no one
Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum
Cause I know that you did
Cause your friend told me that you liked it

Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did
'Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt form you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

Merry Happy is such a good break up song. It's all about growth and acceptance. It's about moving on knowing you'll be the better because of it. Can we really grow from heartbreak? Sure, if the heartbreak stems from the shock of change. If the pain comes from truly having your heart torn apart, and from truly having a part of you stripped away it's a different story. It's easy to move on when the person isn't right for you. What if the person wasn't wrong, though? What if the person was perfect for you? How will you learn to watch the sunset on your own if you were always meant to watch it with someone else? Growing flowers where dirt was is easy. How do you grow flowers in a field already abloom with lilies? I don't feel like I can be alone. He would never try to tell me that he never loved me. I guess the difference is that we did want to stick around.

I don't know what I want. I don't know if I can talk to him and ask him back into my life. I don't know if he would still want me.
I know I can't remember the last time I felt happy. I'm tired, and lonely, and I feel sad all of the time. I constantly have a weight on my chest. My stomach is always in knots. I can't find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I can't find the motivation to do anything but lay around all day. Nothing feels right.
Is it the winter blues? Has time caught up with me now that I have it? Am I feeling what I didn't have time to feel back in August? Will this pass? Will things get worse before they get better? Will I learn how to be alone? Is this a sign of weakness? Am I not strong enough to stand alone? How do I know what my feelings mean? Who can help me figure it out?
I only have questions. I can't find the answers.