Sometimes even music can't speak.

It's numbness and regret. For years I've fought off regret with the philosophy that things happen for a reason. The milk spills for some ulterior cosmic motive. This didn't happen for any necessary reason. I turned the cup over. I purposely filled a squirt gun with milk and spewed it everywhere ruining everything it touched. Everything smells of sour, spoiled milk. There's nothing left to do but replace everything in the room.
How do I not regret what I consciously made happen? How can I say it had to happen when I knew all along it didn't have to? Why did I have to use my head? It's been 21 years, how did I forget that I'm not smart? I use my head at the wrong times and I ruin everything.
I regret that day and everyday there on after. I hate that his life continued and he changed. He learned new things without me. He had fun without me. I wasn't a part of the good times. He didn't call me with the good news. I couldn't call him with the bad ones. He moved on. He was done with me by the time I called. Why did it take so long for my feelings to creep up and take over? Why did my brain go into overdrive? My defense mechanisms ruin everything. The rose colored glasses fell off my face and I stepped on them with my new high heels.
Why am I so afraid to feel? I put off feeling and I still ended up in pain. I could have avoided all of this if I had just turned my brain off for a minute and let my heart guide me. Now I expect him to do what I should have done back in August. I want him to forget that I hurt him and to remember that he loves me. I want him to take the risks I wasn't brave enough to take. I expect him to trust me after I turned my back on him for my own selfish reasoning.
I've always been too demanding of everyone but myself. I have low expectations of myself. I don't think I'm good enough to give more than I give. I'm not strong enough to risk my heart. I'm not brave enough to put myself at another's mercy. And still I expect to be loved unconditionally and without question.
He once said "I just met you, how can you expect me to trust you 100%?" Man, he had me pegged from the beginning. Why couldn't I see that? Why didn't I trust him 100%? If I had had faith in him then maybe he'd been trusting of me, just like if I hadn't fucked up this time he'd still be willing to love me.
I think I'm so smart the way I figure people out. The way I understand others. Why can't I understand myself? Why am I so transparent to him when I look like a solid brick wall to myself? I should have trusted him to love me even when he could see all of me. Instead, I told him he was wrong, I told myself he was wrong, and I pretended not to see what he saw so clearly. There's a reason he's the future doctor.
I've said that before, haven't I? There I go again. There I always go. Knowing what's right and ignoring it completely. Hell, I even named this blog after my biggest flaw. I reflect and throw away. How ironic. If only I was smart. I am smart- that's why I can see the flaws, but I'm an idiot because I don't fix them. I'm a coward because I don't want to. Changing myself is admitting defeat. Admitting that I'm less than perfect. Where do I get off lacking so much humility? Who the hell do I think I am? What ever gave me this insane sense of grandeur? Where did this arrogance come from?
Am I so damaged by my past to justify these walls? Admitting that I'm not perfect puts the blame on me. If I'm never wrong then nothing is ever my fault. I need to learn to take responsibility. I need to learn to deal with the consequences.
It had to come to this. I'm not at a point where I can deserve something this good. "You can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself." I feel like I knew this before. I said I couldn't get married until I knew how to stand on my own. It's deeper than that for me. I can't have something great until I learn how to not screw it up. I can't be loved entirely until I know how to love fearlessly. I can't be caught until I learn to not be afraid of hitting the ground.
I wish all this made me feel better. Maybe this did have to happen. Maybe my subconscious (not the conscious part of my brain because that part of my brain is a moron) made me screw up this big to teach me all of this. I wish that made the ache go away. I wish I could have learned all this before I let go of the man who saw all these faults.
He saw all this, I know he did, yet he loved me. He was patient, and he was kind. He was willing to tell me the truth and hold my hand until I was brave enough to face it. He doesn't want to hold my hand anymore. He can't take it anymore. I'm no longer worth his patience. This was my favorite part about him and I abused it until it wore out. I loved that he wasn't willing to put up with my shit. I'm like a 3 year old... I had to keep pushing it. 3 years olds are smarter than me. They learn boundaries and limits before they break them. Maybe that's why I don't like kids. One more group of people who are smarter than me.
So I will regret and hopefully learn. This pain will probably stay with me forever. I don't think he's going to forgive me. I think he's done teaching me lessons. I will have to live forever knowing that I ruined the one thing that was good for me. I will always know I lost the love of someone who truly knew me, and truly loved me flaws and all. He saw me. He saw all of me. He saw through me and saw me from every angle. Still he loved me. And it wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough to accept it. I wasn't brave enough to deserve it.
Love is only pain when you, yourself, don't know how to love. If I don't know how to love then I will never be loved. Not again.
I want to learn. I want to be loved. I don't want to keep screwing up.