Julie&Julia, cooking, and good timing.

Last week was very stressful. On Friday I was extremely down. T-Bitch flaked out on that ride he said he’d give me and I, even after all given past history, managed to be surprised. T-Bitch is not a good friend to me and I’ve known this for a while. Why I continue to delude myself into thinking he is, or might one day be, I don’t know. It’s the same way I continue to be shocked by my mom’s behavior. I think it’s a coping mechanism for me... as in I need to cope with the fact that I’m surrounded by shitty people and to do so I must completely block out their shitty tendencies and pretend they don’t exist. Then when they inevitably crop up I am shocked because my brain is looking the other way pretending not to see the oh so blatantly obvious. It may just be pure idiocy... who knows. It’s one of those things I won’t try to decipher because we all know what I’m going to do with all my heavy thinking... I’ll come up with a brilliant answer to all of my problems and then absolutely ignore it... Reflecting and disposing.
I wonder if that makes me like my mother. She claims to be aware of her faults though we all know she’s doing nothing to correct them. I like to think that’s not the case. Unlike her I don’t feel I should be martyred for my faults and short comings... I don’t want to be understood in all of my stupidity. If I choose to do nothing about my constant denial then I’ll be the one to deal with the repercussions when it all hits me in the face and I want to cry. I’m not going to let anyone see me cry over something that could have been avoided if only I’d wised up... ok, maybe Phatty... and only when it comes to mom, but that one is a toughie and Phatty is my sister, she’s seen me through everything and she understands.
Anyway... so I was stressed and such. I decided to man up and embrace my independence. I took the (oh so lame) local public transportation system to go to the store. I finished (almost) my Christmas shopping and yes... made yet another trip to Sally’s. I won’t go into THAT particular shopping experience but let’s just say I was there for over an hour and left about $50 poorer (even after my 15% off coupon)... it was very therapeutic. The next day I went grocery shopping with Phatty after going out to breakfast together with the children... I was home by 2 o’clock and somehow I still felt incredibly weighed down. It felt like the day should be over but there seemed to be so much left of it.
I took Spazzpup on a walk and upon arrival I got right into baking for my Christmas goody bags. I stuck to the simpler things this year... I’ve already spent enough time in the kitchen and not enough sleeping in the past month to get all crazy on little knick knacks for nearly strangers. I made cookies, Magic bars and English toffee bars. I made toffee for the first time! I am seriously all about expanding my culinary horizons this season; I really hope I can stay on this kick for a while.
Once I was done with that I made some marinara sauce. I’ve almost got it down perfectly. I’ve looked at countless recipes but I’ve decided I’m just going to make my own. It was definitely delicious but a bit too sweet... I’ll get it eventually. I also made some whole wheat pizza crust... that one still needs work but damn it if I’m not going to get it right one day!
In the midst of all this I forgot to mention I stopped by the video store and picked up a movie. I decided after all this stress I really just needed to shut off my brain for a little while. I rented Julie and Julia. It was ironic how good the timing was. First of all because of the theme at hand: I’ve been cooking like a wild soccer mom the day before the bake sale and these women were both cooking like... ehh... insert clever simile here. Oh and my name is Julia! But that’s just a silly coincidence. :P I absolutely loved the movie. It was exactly what I needed and I cannot explain how much better I felt after watching it. My brain really needed the break, for one, but I think any other movie wouldn't have also given me the warm fuzzy feeling I was left with. There was so much I loved about it: the cooking, the acting, the passion, the honesty, the romance, the reality, the growth. I was moved by the love between the couples and the loyalty and the reality. I mean SO. MUCH. LOVE. And it was so much more real that the usual chick-flick romance. I was literally swooning. The cooking was just beautiful and it truly captured the way I’ve been feeling lately with all of my experimentation, whether successful or not. I may not be boning ducks but I still feel very rewarded every time a new recipe turns out right.
I was also left feeling a lot lighter after watching Julie’s character learn so much about herself. Somehow my mind was clearer: I love my mom. I love myself. I have to live with myself every single day. I can’t continue getting upset over something I can’t change. I need to embrace the fact that things will never be perfect between us. I need to accept that. The world won’t end because of it, but my life will become much simpler.
I’m going to e-mail my mom and make plans with her for Christmas. I’m having dinner with Phatty on Christmas Eve but it’d be nice to have dinner with mom, too. I hope she’s ok with it. I’m not going to get into it with her again. I will give it another shot and if she gives me another unreasonable and dramatic response I’ll ignore it. At least I’ll know I’ll have tried. I won’t allow myself to loose sleep over it.