Bad daughter (but I don't care)

Last night my mom "invited" me to have dinner at her house and hang out with her. Initially she "invited" me on Tuesday but she said it'd be too late by the time I'd be free. You see, I have a routine: Work, gym, walk Spazzpup, shower, dinner. I don't interrupt that routine anymore. The only person worth disrupting my routine is Butthole. Mostly because he's the only person respectful of my time. So, no problem that she didn't want to do it because it was late, I can understand that. I said that we could do it on Wednesday since I get off early and she gave me a vague answer of "well... If I don't make other plans..." See why I don't alter my time for her? She didn't really want to make plans with me if she had something better to do. I am her daughter. Nothing should be better than hanging out with her kid after not seeing her for weeks.
I'll admit I have a rough relationship with my mother. Regardless of how much we fight I still love her and like to spend time with her. I have long ago learned that as long as I keep it superficial we get along well. I don't go to her with my real problems because I no longer care for her opinion but it's still fun to hang out with her and cover the mundane topics. I haven't really gotten a chance to do that in weeks (or months?) since she's been hanging out with her bed buddy (not friend, not boyfriend? It horrifies Butthole but hey...).
Last night I was supposed to take care of my usual routine but since I got off early my routine was over by 7 as opposed to 9 which left ample time to hang out. Mind you, I normally use this time to clean my house which counts as part of my weekly routine but I thought I'd rearrange so we could spend time together. At any rate, she was supposed to pick me up when I called her. Before I got to do that she called asking if it was ok if Bed Buddy joined us for dinner. Well, it wasn't ok. I should have just cancelled but I thought I'd go ahead and try to be flexible.
When I called her to pick me up she said, after MUCH discussion with Bed Buddy while I was on the phone, that she'd be over in 10. She took 20 minutess. It may seem petty but after 20 years of dealing with her lack of punctuality 10 minutes really grates the nerves. Plus I must mention the reason she took longer was because she was busy with Bed Buddy. I should also mention that a few weeks ago she asked me to help her dye her hair. When I asked her for an extra 15 minutes to eat some dinner after the gym she freaked out and screamed at me about how she's willing to drop everything for everyone and no one is ever willing to do anything for her. I'll let you make of that what you will.
Now the dinner I was suppose to enjoy with her and my little brother was to be intruded by Bed Buddy. That meant that there certainly wouldn't be any sitting around on the couch while I painted my toe nails and we chit chatted like we used to. Not only that, but dinner had to be altered because of him, plus we ended up waiting on him with her making cute little jokes about "THE COOK IS GETTING MAD AND IT'S NOT ME" yeah... well go fuck yourself... the cook is mad because you are being a selfish bitch.
I feel like I may be being a little petty... but I'm not. My mom is selfish. Last week I had to point out to her that maybe the reason Little Brother wasn't so happy was because she decided they would move without talking to him. Or that she has brought Bed Buddy into his life expecting him to be totally ok with it and not so much as a word to him. What kind of mother overlooks something like that?
Now, I am happy for her and her (non?)relationship with Bed Buddy. I think it's great that she's socializing and getting out of the house and being happy. But I am not happy that she seems to have resigned her duties as a mother. Mind you, it's not like she ever performed them very dutifully but now she's really thrown them out the window.
She invited him to Thanksgiving dinner and I definitely don't mind. I expected it and thought it was a great idea. What I'm not happy about is the fact that in some world he thought it appropriate to invite STRANGERS to OUR family dinner. This is the first Thanksgiving for which he'll join us and he seems to think it's ok that he invited someone else. Not only do I find that offensive on his part but I am tremendously pissed off that my mom hasn't shown him where his place is. He is her friend, for lack of a better word, and that's great. She has a good relationship with him and, really, that's great but he is still a stranger to my brother and me. He is no one to us and neither Little Brother nor I have welcomed him into the family so I think there is some intense slowing down he needs to do.
This whole thing is getting to me. I know my crappy relationship with her bugs me but I didn't realize how much.
Last night was basically a disaster. This morning she e-mailed me with some crap about "Where you mad Bed Buddy was there? What was your opinion of last night?" I told her I had no opinion which is quite obviously a lie. The truth is I have no inclination of having this conversation with her. Why? Because it won't change anything. She'll pout, she'll cry, she'll try to make me feel bad and nothing will change. Why go through that?
My mom never wanted to be a mother. I am not ok with that but I have learned to live with it. I am never going to say this to her because a. She'll deny it and b. I have nothing to gain. I've said it before that Butthole's mom loves him more than my mom loves me. I think the day I realized that was when I came to terms with it. She never wanted us and that's why it's always been so hard for her to be a good mom. It's the reason why her hatred of my dad was more powerful than her love for her kids.
It's really sad to realize neither of your parents really want you. I think my dad loved us before he left... he was a good dad when he was around... at least that's what I remember. He did leave, though, and I can only believe that he didn't do that out of love for us. If he DID love us once that love was fleeting... and it left with ease. It was disposable just like his kids.
My mom... she likes being a martyr, she always has, so she stayed. She made such a huge sacrifice for us. She tells herself she made those sacrifices out of love, but that's not true. She sacrificed so she could say she did. She loves the whole "Woe is me, look at all I've done for you."
I remember one time I had a talk with Butthole's sister about abortion. She is violently pro-life. She was so horrified at my being pro-choice. She was nearly in tears which I did feel bad about, but frankly I can't help it. I told her that I'd rather someone get an abortion than bring an unwanted child into the world. At that time I didn't realize I, myself, was unwanted. I knew it, but not consciously.
Am I saying I wish I hadn't been born? Yes and no. No, because I am not going to go kill myself. I am here, I enjoy my life and, though this is a large and painful obstacle, I will overcome it and make something better because of it. On the other hand, I am saying yes because if I had never been born then I wouldn't have to live with this weight on my head. I wouldn't be living, period. It may seem dramatic to someone who doesn't know what it's like to be unwanted and maybe it is. But that's how it feels.
I know my mom loves me. I am not saying she doesn't. But I think she loves more out of duty than true feelings. I think she'd be happier without us. I think we are more of a burden in her life than a blessing.
This all really sucks. And it sucks more because I have no one to talk to about it.