Bad sister.

I don't like children. I do not like them for an un-maternal woman I am. Not in a box. Not with a fox. Not in a house. Not with a mouse. I do not like them here or there. I do not like them anywhere. I wouldn't like them if they were mine, and I definitely don't like them if they are yours. I LOVE my nephews and my niece. Seriously LOVE them with all my heart. This, however, does not mean I am eager to be around them or that I have the patience for them. Sure, I'll take them to the park but please don't ask me to indulge your little darling in a game of ANYTHING when I am confined inside. Actually, the park is probably the only place where I don't mind them.
On Saturday my sister asked me to babysit so she could go to work. Sigh... here starts the upcoming saga of asking me to baby sit every other week now that she's going back to work. Don't get me wrong I love my sister and I don't mind doing stuff for her. But baby sitting? That's a bit different. I don't like baby sitting and frankly every time she asks me to I become a bitter and resentful bitch.
On Saturday Butthole and I were already on limited time to hang out and that time was decreased considerable when I got stuck at her house for 5 hours. It ruined my day. Yes, I am that dramatic. It ruined my morning because my sister (as usual) didn't have the courtesy to give me an accurate time so even though the last time we spoke she said 10:30 AM she didn't pick me up til 1. I woke up early for nothing. Also I had my day planned around being done by 1. Of course now this meant my plans were to change.
I HATE CHANGING MY PLANS. Just thinking about it right now makes me queasy and infuriated. So my walk with my dog got cut short, I was forced to shove my lunch down my throat in a hurry and it caused my hang-out with Butthole time to be pushed back.
I don't want kids for a reason. That is to say I don't want to be around them and I don't want to be tied down by them. Funny how I haven't been able to avoid that since I was 14. I spent my whole freshman year of high school hauling ass home to get there on time to baby sit til 10 o'clock at night. I spent the following summer waking up at 6:00 in the morning watching Finding Nemo until I wanted to blow my brains out. It's actually pretty unfunny. It sucks.
It makes me resentful and it makes me feel guilty because I feel resentful.
I also feel guilty because I know I am judgemental towards my sister, though I would never tell her. I feel like telling her how I shouldn't be punished because I was able to avoid making the same mistakes as her. I feel like telling her that I'm not the idiot who got pregnant at 18 so I shouldn't have to pick up the slack for her irresponsibility.
I am a terrible sister. She would never feel this way about me. She would blindly do me the favors without a second thought. She wouldn't dream of judging my life. You know how else I'm a terrible person? Because for every one of these thoughts I think "Yeah... but I'd never give her the chance. I hardly ask for favors and I don't make big enough mistakes for her to judge."
So I'm a bad sister and an arrogant piece of crap.
I'm judgemental of her life choices. I don't mind baby sitting for her every once in a while so that her and her husband can get away. ALL parents need that. But I find myself hating the fact that I have to baby sit because she refuses to attempt a relationship with my mom. I have to baby sit because her husband behaves like unhelpful ass. I have to baby sit because her in-laws are a bunch of selfish pricks who can't put down the cigarette to protect the kids' health. I have to pick up the slack for everyone because of HER choices. She is the one that had kids. She is the one who married an asshole. She's the one who married an asshole with asshole relatives. And as difficult as my mom is SHE is the one that refuses to talk to my mom forcing me to live on a tight rope waiting for my mom to blow a gasket AND picking up the Grandma slack.
So yeah. It makes me angry and I resent her for it. A sister shouldn't do that. I am a bad sister.