Distance.

Why don't Butthole's parents like me?
1. I'm not Christian
2. I've lived with a guy before marriage
3. I curse
4. My parents are divorced
How does this affect my relationship with Butthole? He says it doesn't. One and three don't affect anything because he's right there with me. Two is iffy because I know he'd prefer it if it had never happened but I feel the same way so we're both sort of there. The divorce thing... well, I know he doesn't judge me for it, but it does create a bridge in understanding between our different situations.
On top of my parents being divorced I have a rocky relationship with my mother and my dad is out of the picture. Don't get me wrong: I love my mother. But more often than not we argue and I'm venting about something she did or another. My sister doesn't talk to my mom. My older brother avoids her as much as he can. My little brother wishes he could stop talking to her. Really. It's not just me. I'm not some black sheep.
Long ago I started cutting back on my venting about my mom to Butthole because, frankly, he doesn't know what it's like to have a mother like mine. His mom lives and breaths for him. My mom loves me, for sure, but she is far more selfish than Butthole's mom. I even might venture out and say that she doesn't love me as much as Butthole's mom loves him.
He simply doesn't know what it's like to be in a situation like that. When something happens and I try to talk to him about it he tells me that I'm probably exaggerating and she's not that bad. He doesn't say it but I always get the feeling that he thinks a little less of me every time I complain about my mom. He simply can't fathom a mother doing the things my mom has done.
To be honest I am ok with that. I would never, ever, wish for him or anyone to understand what it's like to have a mother like mine. I envy the relationship he has with his parents. I am happy he doesn't understand. I just wish he could at least believe me when I say that I'm not a terrible person for getting frustrated with her antics.
I am always a little afraid that if I complain about my mom then he'll think his parents are right. THEY ARE NOT RIGHT. My strained relationship with my mom is a product of her selfishness, not of my lack of desire for a relationship with her. It's not like I think what we have is normal and I think it's ok. It is NOT NORMAL. It is NOT OK. I am aware that things shouldn't be this way which is why they are wrong. They think that because this is all I know then this is all I am but that's not true.
I get the feeling that Butthole does think that too, though. It's almost as if he believes I'm ok with the way my mom and I get along. Like I've accepted it and I think "that's just how things are" and I mean that in general, in life. Sure, I've accepted that this is how things are FOR ME. But I know this isn't' how things should be, nor is it how I want things to be. I wish he understood that.
As long as he doesn't see that there is going to be a gap between us. I can feel it and sometimes the distance is so palpable I get scared. I feel so lonely when I talk to him about it. I really wish he understood. Not that he knew what it's like to have a bad relationship with his mom, but simply acknowledged that not everyone has a loving mother like him. I wish he'd accept my relationship with my mom for what it is without judging my character.
That's how his parents disliking me affect us. They believe that my family's dysfunction is just one big peek into the future that will be me. That the dysfunction is hereditary and inevitable. I think in some small way he worries that it's true. That is an absolutely terrifying feeling because if one day he becomes convinced of that then there will be nothing I can do. It's not like it's something I can just disprove in a minute. It is something I will disprove every day for the rest of my life and until the day I die I won't be able to say "See? I am not like that." I hope one day he'll believe me. Until then, there will be a lot of lonely times and a lot of emotional distance. I hope one day he can cross the bridge and eliminate the space between us.